Daily ESM Joke!

[rickoff]

Ever have a day like this?

[rickoff]

GOVERNMENT SNOW PLOWS - The "Stimulus" at work.

[ANTIQUER]

Grace and Rick;

Good ones!

@Rick; You couldn't sum up the "Stimulus" package any better (or the gov't. in general for that matter.)

Al

[ANTIQUER]

Amazing surgeon

Best surgeon in California - This guy is amazing! Below is his story!

Dr. Timothy McCarthy while receiving a medical award for creativity, reported his findings to the Fellows of plastic surgery, concluding with this case study: "Several years ago a woman was high on cocaine and marijuana and she rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the woman's hair and the horse's ass. I was able to put them together and now she's Speaker of the House!

Al

[rickoff]

Man caught at airport with 44 lizards in pants!

This couldn't be much funnier if it was in fact a joke, but it is for real! Here's the actual story:

WELLINGTON, New Zealand – A German reptile collector has been jailed for 14 weeks and must pay a 5,000 New Zealand dollar ($3,540) fine for plundering New Zealand's wild gecko and skink populations, a judge has ruled. Hans Kurt Kubus, 58, is to be deported to Germany as soon as he is released from prison, Judge Colin Doherty ordered Tuesday. Kubus was caught by wildlife officials at Christchurch International Airport on South Island in December, about to board an overseas flight with 44 geckos and skinks in a hand-sewn package concealed in his underwear.

[Grace]

Keep the jokes coming! )

A group of 40 year old buddies decide that they should get together from time to time and they discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at Gasthaus Gutenberger restaurant because the waitresses there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again
they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because the food there is very good and they have a great wine selection also.

10 years later, at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger because the
restaurant is wheelchair accessible and they have lots of handicap parking spaces.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that it would be a great idea to meet at the Gasthaus Gutenberger
because none of them had ever been there before.

[rickoff]

True quotes

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)


"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule."
(Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)


"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)


"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."

( Lykes Lines Shipping)

"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
( Microsoft Corporation)

[rickoff]

Death Of The Old Cow

Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur is driving Nancy through some scenic countryside when suddenly a cow runs out onto the road. Unable to avoid the cow, they hit it full on, and the chauffeur guides the car to a stop.

Nancy, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur, "You'd better get out and check that cow - you were driving."

So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead but that it appeared to be quite old.

"Even so, says Nancy, "we can't take a chance at leaving the scene, as someone at the farmhouse over there may have seen what happened. You had better go and tell the farmer." "If he complains, then offer him some hush money so we can keep this incident quiet."

Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled, and with a big grin on his face.

"What took you so long, and what in the world happened to you?" asks Nancy. "You're drunk, and you look a mess."

The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a sumptuous meal, and the daughter made passionate love to me."

"Don't lie to me!" says Nancy, "Now what really happened in that house?"


"I swear it's the truth," says the chauffeur. "I just knocked on the door and when they answered I said to them, "I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I just killed the old cow."

[ANTIQUER]

The Train Ride

Sitting together on a train was Obama, George W. Bush, a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts. The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap..





When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand-print on his cheek.

No one speaks.





The old lady thinks:

Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.





The blonde girl thinks:

Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.





Obama thinks:

Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.





George Bush thinks:

I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack Obama again.



@Rick;
Pelosi's chaeuffer-

@Grace;
Group of old buddies
Almost too true to be funny!

Al

[rickoff]

New Internet Security measures

In an effort to quell public opposition to Internet regulation and monitoring by government agencies, the Obama administration has announced that newly planned security measures, while being necessary to "protect" us, will be less intrusive (and therefore less objectionable) than measures already in use. But is that really the case? See what you think of the new method being proposed.

http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/ (when the new window opens, move your mouse around in it)

[rickoff]

Freaky flight

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told that a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires

on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, then finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . .

You're NOT my flight instructor?'

[ImBill]

Wage equity

The Texas Work Force Department received a claim that a local rancher was not paying proper wages to his help,and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees, and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my farm hand, who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free ...room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week, plus free room and board.
Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."
"That's the guy I want to talk to.. to the half-wit," said the agent.








The rancher replied, "That would be me."

[Mali]

Outside England 's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were 1 for cars ($1.40), 5 for buses (about $7).

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent.

The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility. The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee.. The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Italy ..... is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day -- for 25 years.

Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars ...... and no one even knows his name.

[rickoff]

Sunbather

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

[rickoff]

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid!"