Daily ESM Joke!

[rickoff]

The coded message

After a President has been in office for 1 year it is customary for the last
President to send a note of congratulations to the new one.

So when the note came, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:

370H-SSV-0773H

This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how the former president was perceived to have been scholarly challenged.

So he took the note to his wife. She was unable to decipher it.

They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.

Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House.

They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.

Now there was complete panic in the Oval Office.

They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note
to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer.

A special emergency meeting was called by the staff.

All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in,
and the best minds were unable crack the code.

After a sleepless night, a now humbled President picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.

He chuckled, and replied: 'Bud .... you're holding it upside down!'

[ANTIQUER]

Post turtle

While suturing up a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, whose hand had been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama, and his being our president.

The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Obama is just a Post Turtle."

Now not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked,

What's a "Post Turtle?"

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he sure as heck ain't goin' anywhere, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there in the first place."

Al

[rickoff]

Good one, Al

[rickoff]

Frogs read the news too.

[rickoff]

This 73 year old veteran wore a protective

flap over his right ear as he stood outdoors

while attending a Veterans Day celebration

this past November, where guest speakers

Barack Obama, Joe Biden, and Nancy Pelosi

addressed the Veterans of Foreign Wars.



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[rickoff]

The meaning of "service"

A friend sent me a message today saying,

I became very confused when I heard the word "service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
United States Postal 'Service'
Telephone'Service'
Cable TV'Service'
Civil 'Service'
City, State & Public 'Service'
Customer'Service'

This is not what I thought 'service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' his cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

[wantfreeenergy]

That was hilarious.

[wpage]

A friend sent me a message today saying,

Very Good

[ANTIQUER]

Not a joke, but to amazing not to pass on

Subject: FW: Watch this half- time event! UNBELIEVABLE!!!




A Physical Education teacher, Lynn Kelley who founded the Kings
Firecrackers13 years ago, said the video of their performance at an
Army vs. Navy game in February was posted to the team's Web site in
early April, and has ignited national interest.

Default Viral Title Player

You will think they have finished with the performance several times, but wait while they regroup and start again so that you can see the whole thing.

Al





















--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hotmail: Free, trusted and rich email service. Get it now.

[ANTIQUER]

If you like dogs you will love these two!

Video: two super cute dogs you should know about - TOKYOMANGO

Al

[ANTIQUER]

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns



Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila


******************************

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps.
Walter


Al

[ANTIQUER]

Doctors vs. Gun Owners



Doctors:



(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. Is 700,000.



(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are
120,000.



(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.



(Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services)


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


Now think about this:

Guns



(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. Is 80,000,000.



(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups,
Is 1,500.



(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.



(Statistics courtesy of FBI)


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


So, statistically, doctors are approximately


9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,


BUT


Almost everyone has at least one doctor.



This means you are over 900 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as a gun owner!!!


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.


We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


Out of concern for the public at large, I withheld the statistics on


Lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek



Medical attention!

Al

[ANTIQUER]

Medical distinction between Guts and Balls

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.
We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls,
But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:


GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'


BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.

Al

[rickoff]

School of Safe Driving's top student

[rickoff]

Dieting and Exercise - A doctor's advice:

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A : Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A : You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanismof delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product. Ice Cream even better - everything Cow eats in one package!

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A : No, not at all.. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain.All people who don't drink unhappy - happy people live longer so drink more. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A : Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A : Can't think of single one, sorry. More people killed running on street than lying on couch. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A : YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A : Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: What about food additives?
A: You want to complain about something for free? If it added - must be better - like fuel additive!

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A : Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A : If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A : Hey! 'Round' a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up,
totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies...

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.