Daily ESM Joke!

[Ingram]

I was feeling a little blue so I came in here for a pick me up.

It Worked!

Thanks you all

[Golden Mean]

How to prank a telemarketer :

warning. dongs.

Left me in tears!

-Jessica

One of the best prank calls I've ever heard.
Truly worthy of a ROFL!!

[rickoff]

New Airport Security Check

It is said that International Airports may soon be deploying an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports. They have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.

They see this as a win-win for everyone, and there would be none of this junk about racial profiling. This method would also eliminate the costs of a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift. Case Closed !

This is so simple...that it's brilliant.

I can see it now. You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an announcement comes over the PA system,

"Attention standby passengers - we now have a seat available on flight number _____"

[rickoff]

[Grace]

Eight Words With Two Meanings! ~ and ~ 20 corny jokes sure to make you laugh!

Laurie B., Ruth Bartlett tells me your feeling a bit down today, well Laughter as you know is medicine, and even though I can give you a wonderful pep talk on how fabulous you are, (and always have been), I will do better than that.

There are at least 10 full pages of jokes on this thread, and if you read them all, you will set a certain vibration into your trillion of cells that will be recognized immediately as the vibration of Joy.

Vibration is the Language of the Soul. What you decide to think and feel is always being communicated to the body, because we are Human "Beings" not Human doings. "Be" happy my friend. "Being" joy filled is your God Given Right. You deserve the very best and know that it is God's wish for you to have it.



Eight Words with Two Meanings


1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female.... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to an other.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n .
Female..... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male ... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female ... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female....... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male ... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.


AND;
He said.... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . .. You wear pants don't you?

He said ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said .... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.







20 very corny jokes but sure to make you laugh!



1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer, please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."


8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.


14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.
Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."


18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."


19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

[Grace]

Not all Irish are Drunks!

AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered,
'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men.

[rickoff]

The Word Game

How fast can you guess these words?

1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM


























Answers:

1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM



You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

[rickoff]

A true story, but funny just the same.

George Phillips, an elderly man from Meridian, MS, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" He said "No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed & stealing from me."

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors & an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone & counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot & killed them both, and my dogs are eating them right now," & he hung up.

Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic, & an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence & caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[Mad Scientist]

Why California Is Broke....

California: The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

1. The Governor starts to intervene, gets bitten, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is only doing what is natural.

2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is free of dangerous animals.

6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness" program for residents of the area.

7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack somehow and for letting the Governor attempt to intervene.

9. Additional cost to State of California: $75,000 to hire and train a new security agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.

10. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files suit against the State.


Arizona: The Governor of Arizona is jogging with her dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks her dog.

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with her State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke ...........

[aljhoa]

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we will may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did ve pay our charity pledge cheque to ze Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?"

"No, sveetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did ve pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?"

"Oiy, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send ze cheque," she says.

"Vun last ting, Esther. Did you remember to send ze check for the Synagogue Building Fund zis month," he asks? "Oiy, forgive me, Abe," begged Esther. "I didn't sent zat vun either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.

Esther pulls away and asks him, " So, vy did you kiss me?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

Joke: Abe and Esther

Al

[aljhoa]

Monitor Viruses Protection

http://www.raincitystory.com/flash/screenclean.swf
Al

[Mad Scientist]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were
amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver
walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never
seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an elderly lady in
a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls
closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls
light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 20 something blond stepped
out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
son.....

'Go get your Mother'

[Ayurved]

puns

Some of these are pretty cute....


1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir

Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.


2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it

turned out to be an optical Aleutian .




3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.




4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class,

because it was a weapon of math disruption.




5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be

stationery.


6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited

for littering.


7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in

Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.. The police
are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One
hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it
hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off
the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a
small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is
now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism

it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of
religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine


21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only
one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the
other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a
fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again
that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my

electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies,
'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with
the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.

[rickoff]

[Ingram]