Daily ESM Joke!

[future pather]

TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.

6) It's OK when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.

5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.

4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.

3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2) Less guilt the morning after.

AND the No. 1 reason why trick or treating is better than sex -

YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!

[Grace]

Hilarious!!

JESSICA THIS IS HILARIOUS!!!

[allenm]

Hi Jess! Very funny!

Thanks!

[vineyardnancy]

Hey Jessica!

I never had quite thought of it this way before!!

Thanks for the great chuckles and guffahs!

[future pather]

These guys are sooo funny. I had never seen or heard of them before I watched the Letterman show in this first link.

I think Dave introduced them without any reference to them being a comedy act.

I just remember watching them without thinking they were anything but a "normal" musical act.

By the end of the song I was

YouTube - Flight of The Conchords on Letterman

YouTube - Flight Of The Conchords - Bowie Song

YouTube - Flight of the Conchords Ep 4 If You're Into It


XO Jessica

[Grace]

Happy Thanksgiving weekend!!

Obnoxious parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. In desperation, John threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, when the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING WEEKEND!!...

[Pamela Vicik-Smith]

[vineyardnancy]

Tee Hee! Great one Grace!!

[vineyardnancy]

Tee Hee!!!

WHAT A HOOT!! THIS ONE CRACKS ME UP !!!

[Viviana]

UCLA study

UCLA STUDY

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his forehead while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

[Grace]

Nancy, and Viviana!!

[Grace]

How The Fight Started!

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car. . .
and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it . . . he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I look down at him and say, 'Well, which one are you then?'

. . . and that's when the fight started . . .

[Grace]

I'm the MOM!

YouTube - What A Mom Say's In a Day!

[Grace]

I can't help it this made me laugh out loud!!




NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN
DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. �

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person. '

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.


JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators. �

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

[future pather]

Nancy, Viv, and Grace,

but

XO Jessica