Daily ESM Joke!

[ANTIQUER]

The value of a drink

Happy New Year, Ya'll. Oops! These guys are right!


The Value of a Drink.

'Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams .. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, 'It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver'
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. '
~Frank Sinatra


WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.'
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!'
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.'
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.'
~ Dave Barry &nb! sp;

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the BuffaloTheory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not


Al. (For all the above reasons and more I'm really a teetotaler!)
























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[ANTIQUER]

Disorder in the courts.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Disorder in the Courts
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
________ ____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
_____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
_____________________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

Al

[Grace]

That was Great Al!!



This was sent to me by my dear friend Allison, I thought it was absolutely Hilarious!!


It may be hard to believe, but the following story is true and just another night at our casa....



Sage (5), Chloe (2), Charley (5m)



The Following Takes Place Monday Night From 6:05pm-6:15pm





It was a rather normal Monday night. The girls had finished dinner and we were enjoying some family time. Sage and Chloe were wrestling with Wendy while baby Charley was in my lap making faces. Sage came into our playroom with Charley and I, then it all began....



I laid back on the couch, lifted Charley over my head. While making faces with each other, a stream of a freshly consumed breast milk shot from Charley's smiling mouth, hitting me in the right eye and then making a perfect line midway down my chest. I froze. Holding Charley still, I heard Sage quickly say "SWEET!"



"Sage", I said, "please go ask your mother to bring me towel...now!" As she jumped off the couch and ran to the kitchen, I heard her shout "Mom, Charley yaked on Dad, bring us a towel" I smiled, still holding my right eye closed and Charley hovering over me, she continued to smile, as did I. As the father of 3 girls under 5, this was far from the first time I've been yaked upon.



Wendy and Sage quickly returned to the playroom. Wendy starred over me, smirking, then gently wiping the urrp from my eye and shirt. Then, she took Charley from my hands and sent me upstairs to change. Sage followed me upstairs, still reveling in the moment and asking if I had yak on my underwear too, or just my shirt?



A quick change of shirt and we headed back downstairs. As we entered the playroom, Chloe, who was previously MIA and missed all the previous action sat in front of the TV, chair pulled under the table, with a small blue plate and a brownie. "Interesting", I thought to myself, I didn't know we had any brownies. About :20 seconds later, Sage got a whiff of the brownie, and you got it, that was no brownie! That's right, it was a plate of ****!



"Ahhh" screamed Sage. "Oh ****" screamed Dad. I grabbed Chloe under the arms, yelled to Wendy and headed as fast as I could toward the upstairs bath. The stinch was unbelievable. Chloe has taken that brownie fresh from the factory and spread it like hair gel all over her. As I sprinted upstairs, Sage ran behind screaming "Chloe ate her poop, eeww, gross"



Wendy dashed into the playroom to begin to clean up the mess while I had the living turd with me. I quickly got Chloe into the bathtub, trying desperately to limit the damage. "Don't touch your face, be still honey, it's OK" I said over and over. Although at this point there was no consoling her. She cried loud and often. Meanwhile, her all too curious sister sat behind me watching the play-by-play.



As I peeled off layers of clothing, I flung her sinfully soiled shirt over my right shoulder. Not paying attention, apparently the **** shirt hit Sage, sending her into a frenzy. Within moments, as I desperately tried to scrub the poop from underneath Chloe's fingernails, I heard an all too familiar sound behind me. "Sage, Sage, don't you throw up" Apparently, the **** shirt had grazed her, and a whiff of the poop sent her into convulsions. "Sage, Sage, take a deep breath" But it was too late. As I peeled another layer of poop from Chloe, here came a pile of freshly almost digested Chicken Salad from Sage's mouth. I quickly whirled around, grabbing her with my soiled hands and trying to get her to the sink, but the damage had been done. And in usual fashion, we got the last 10% into to sink and the other 90% on the floor, my legs and the cabinets.



I screamed "HELP" to Wendy, "Get Up Here Now" However, Wendy had her hands full (o-poop) downstairs, so for the moment, I was on my own. I managed to get Chloe stable, sent Sage to her room to change and tried to contain the area. Within a few minutes, I headed downstairs. As I stood halfway down, my eyes met Wendy standing in the kitchen. We exchange one of "those" moments that only parents understand. That glance that needs no words. A glance that within it carries love, laugh, anger and acceptance. As I looked to Wendy's right, Charley sat in her chair, cooing and smiling at me. Sage then passed my on the stairs and said "Sorry I yaked Dad" and in the background I heard Chloe in her room screaming "Yippee, WooHoo" - And so it was. 15 minutes of chaos. 15 minutes of life. 15 minutes of parenthood.



God Bless Your Parents

[Ahimsa]

lol, Grace!

I just came across this on youtube:

YouTube - Women Car accident compilation

The woman going nuts trying to get her groceries in is hilarious!

[Grace]

Ha Ha Ha!

Thank you Ahimsa!! How I love to Laugh!!

[Viviana]

Kittens inspired by kittens!

This little girl is quite the storyteller!!!

"I'm her mom.....no, she is not!"

Hahaha

Kittens inspired by kittens

~Viviana -

[Viviana]

Funny video

Here is comedian Louis CK on Conan's show talking about how spoiled we are nowdays...hahaha

Everything's amazing, nobody is happy!

Enjoy!!

~Viviana -

[Grace]

For the Beautiful Viviana!!

Absolutely Fabulously Funny!!!!! Thank you Viviana!

[Grace]

More than a thought, also a Laugh!

fi yuo cna

raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny
55 plepoe
out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod
aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht
I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the
hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch
at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it
dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod
are, the olny
iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit

pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit
a pboerlm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter
by istlef, but the
wrod! as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas
tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

And in another funny note:

Giraffe in Quicksand

[Sephiroth]

An atom suddenly exclaims:

"Oh no! I've lost an Electron!"

the atom next to him asks,

"Are you sure?"

and the atom replies:

"Yes, I'm Positive!"

[Sharyn]

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working....
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math.She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'


Love, Light & Blessings
Sharyn

[Viviana]

Cussing at work


Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore,a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.


Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

[Grace]

For Sharon and Viviana!!

Oh my Goodness!! How funny are your posts!! Laughter is such medicine! I still absolutely love:

Giraffe in Quicksand

[Mad Scientist]

A couple cat stories

HOW TO BATHE A CAT.

1 Thoroughly clean toilet.

2 Lift both lids and add shampoo.

3 Find and soothe cat as you carry it to the bath room.

4 In one swift move, place cat in toilet close both lids and stand on top so cat can not escape.

5 The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds.[Ignore ruckus from inside toilet; cat is enjoying this.]

6 Flush toilet three or four times. This provides power rinse, which is effective, cat is to big to go any where.

7 Have some one open outside door, stand as far from toilet as possible and quickly lift both lids.

8 Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and go out doors, where it will air dry. Cat will return when hungry.

Sincerely, the Dog.



HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL


1. Sit on sofa. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your elbow as though you were going to give a bottle to a baby. Talk softly to it.

2. With right hand, position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. (be patient) As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.

3. Pick the pill up off the floor and go get the cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. Sit on floor in kitchen, wrap arm around cat as before, drop pill in mouth. Let go of cat, noticing the direction it runs.

4. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away, and go find the cat. Bring it back into the kitchen. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open drop pill into mouth and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten..

5. Pry claws from back legs out of your arm. Let go of the cat.

6 Pick up half-dissolved pill from goldfish bowl and drop it into garbage can. Retrieve cat from top of closet. Call spouse from backyard. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take another pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour one cup of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Get last pill from bottle. Go into bathroom and get a fluffy towel. Stay in the bathroom with the cat, and close the door.

16. Sit on bathroom floor, wrap towel around kitty, leaving only his head exposed. Cradle kitty in the crook of your arm, and pick up pill off of counter.

17. Retrieve cat from top of shower door (you didn't know that cats can jump 5 feet straight up in the air, did you?), and wrap towel around it a little tighter, making sure its paws can't come out this time. With fingers at either side of its jaw, pry it open and pop pill into mouth. Quickly close mouth (his, not yours).

18. Sit on floor with cat in your lap, stroking it under the chin and talking gently to it for at least a half hour, while the pill dissolves.

19. Unwrap towel, open bathroom door. Wash off scratches in warm soapy water, comb your hair, and go find stiff drink and try to relax.

20. Arrange for SPCA to get cat and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

[rickoff]

Ray and Bubba

Ray & Bubba, (Arkansas mechanical engineers)

were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Bubba,

'but we don't have a ladder.'

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts,

and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her

pocket, took a measurement, announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches,'

and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed. 'Ain't that just like a woman!

We ask for the height and she gives us the length!'

Bubba and Ray are currently working for the government......

..... and helping to distribute the money from the

"economic stimulus" package !!!!!!!!!!!