Daily ESM Joke!

[rickoff]

As usual, Maxine has all the right answers.




Senior Health Care Solution
So you're a senior citizen and the government says no health care for you, what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison.
There you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need! New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered.
And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes anymore. And you’ve done us all a favor by disposing of 4 worthless politicians.

IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?!

[rickoff]

These glorious insults are from an era before the English language changed to 4-letter words.

The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
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A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
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"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
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"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
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"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
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"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)==============================================
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
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"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
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"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde
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"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
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"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second .... if there is one." -Winston Churchill's response
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"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -Stephen Bishop
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"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
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"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -Irvin S. Cobb
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"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -Samuel Johnson
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"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
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"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -Charles, Count Talleyrand
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"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
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"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
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"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
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"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde
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"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts ... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912) ================================================== ====
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
================================================== =====
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

[rickoff]

Oley, a furniture dealer from up in Brainerd Minnesota, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Oley couldn't understand ), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language so, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Oley has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

[ANTIQUER]

A wee bit of Irish humor

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone has to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishman you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

***************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the
driver, "where have ya' been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile..
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
** * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'"
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
AND THE BEST FOR LAST :

A drunk staggers into a church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

Al

[rickoff]

Good ones, Al

[rickoff]

Heard from a woman today:

We were in slow-moving traffic the other day, coming home from church, and the car in front of us had an Obama bumper sticker on it that read: "Pray for Obama. Psalm 109:8".

My husband's Bible was lying on the back seat, so he grabbed it and opened it up to the scripture to read it. He started laughing andlaughing. When I asked what was so funny, he read it to me. I couldn't believe what it said, and I had a good laugh, too.


Psalm 109:8 "Let his days be few; and let another take his office."

[ANTIQUER]

Hi Rick;

Good ones, Al

The same to you, sir!

Al

[Mad Scientist]

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine. Her blood work just came back as normal and her Physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The Grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me **** around here."

[rickoff]

Geography Lesson

For decades pundits have been saying that the New Orleans Saints were so bad at playing football, that hell would freeze over before the Saints would ever win the Super Bowl.

On Sunday, February 7, 2010 The Saints won the Super Bowl!

On that same Sunday, Washington, DC was paralyzed under several feet of snow and the Government was shut down.

This, then, firmly establishes the exact geographical location of hell.

[rickoff]

An Old Sea Story

There's an old sea story in the Navy about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and afterward told the Chief Boatswain that his men smelled bad. The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change their underwear occasionally.

The Chief responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

The Chief went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear." He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now GET TO IT!"

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:

Someone may come along and promise "Change," but don't count on things smelling any better!!

[rickoff]

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male
buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee." The waiter
says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of
coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts
the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter
everywhere and then just walks out. The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand and pulling another male buffalo with the
other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter "Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from
yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?" The Indian smiles and
proudly says, "Training for position in United States Congress: Come in,
drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day."

[aljhoa]

Does anyone care about "Fooking"?

like in wood u="oo" in German

The European Union trademarks authority has permitted a German firm to register the brand name "****ing Hell" for a new beer, much to the irritation of the Austrian village of ****ing.

It is likely to heighten ****ing's fame, which is something Meindl, the town's mayor, isn't happy about, given the trouble the name has caused it over the years. "Twelve or 13 town signs have been stolen. We've taken to fixing them with concrete, welding and rivets."

Controversial Brand Name: German Firm Wins Right to Make Beer Called '****ing Hell' - SPIEGEL ONLINE - News - International

Al

[Pamela]

Kids Writing About the Bible

This one came in an email and made me laugh out loud! Enjoy, my friends!

A Nun Grading Papers

CAN YOU IMAGINE THE NUN SITTING AT HER DESK GRADING THESE PAPERS, ALL THE WHILE TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE!

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.

KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.


1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES L ED THE JEWS TO THE R ED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVEN ED BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.





Pamela

[rickoff]

You know the honeymoon is over for the President when the comedians start in.

The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree . . . and think 25 to life would be appropriate. --Jay Leno


America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask. --Jay Leno

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
--Conan O'Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser. --Jay Leno

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners. --David Letterman

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America! --Jimmy Fallon

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers. --Jimmy Kimmel

Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road. --David Letterman

[rickoff]

Things that are bad for us to eat....

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."