Daily ESM Joke!

[Mad Scientist]

Friendly Xmas Advice to you......

Please, take care of yourself. A recent joint study conducted by the RTA and the Department of Health indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.
This means that the remaining 77% are caused by idiots who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, pure water, juices, yogurt, and stuff like that.

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many deadly car accidents.
Thus for your safety make sure your designated driver has consumed enough alcohol.

[rickoff]

[rickoff]

[Ingram]

[Mad Scientist]

A member on another forum submitted this, I found it interesting.

My wife is a historian and family history researcher. She gave me this out of a publication she subscribes to.

The U.S.S. Constitution (Old Iron Sides), a combat ship went on a mission July 27, 1798 with a crew of officers and sailors of 475. She carried 48,600 gallons of fresh water, 7,400 cannon shot, 11,600 pounds of black powder and 79,400 gallons of rum for a 6 month cruse. Her mission: destroy and harass English shipping.

Making Jamaica on oct 6, she took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum.

She arived in the Azores Nov 12 and took on 550 pounds of beef and 64,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.

On Nov 18 she set sail for England. In the ensuing days she defeated five British Men of War and captured and scuttled 12 English merchant ships salvaging only the rum on board each vessel

By Jan 26 her powder and shot were exhausted. Never the less, although unarmed, she made a night raid up the Firth of Clyde in Scotland. Her landing party captured a whisky distillery and transferred 40,000 gallons of single malt Scotch aboard by dawn. Then she headed home.

The U.S.S. Constitution arrived in Boston on Feb 20 1799 with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum, no whisky, and 38,600 gallons of water.

By my figures each person on board consumed 1.36 gallons of adult beverage per day and that does not include the rum on the captured and scuttled vessels. The average could have been double or more the 1.36 gallons considering they all carried as much as the Constitution did.

What a merry band of sailors and officers were on that ship and it may have taken weeks for them to sober up. I bet they were up for the next cruise with high anticipation.

__________________

[ImBill]

A Great Lady: Nancy Reagan

We could all learn so much from this elegant and gracious lady. You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's.

Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, and in his twisted mind loved Jodie to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan. There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you will appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley:

To: John Hinckley

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know that we bear no grudge against you for shooting President Reagan. We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We're confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive man.

Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.

[noises]

chart on the second page is HILARIOUS.

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[rickoff]

Spending cut proposals

[rickoff]

How lawyers think


A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10
million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money?

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido where's the money?.

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about"

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him.."

Guido signs back, "OK.!!!! You win! Don't shoot me! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"

[rickoff]

I guarantee this "chain reaction" video will put a smile on your face.

[rickoff]

Late night TV jokes heard recently

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

• President Obama called Vice President Joe Biden into the Oval Office to get his advice about Libya. Then he said, “April Fools’!”
• If the government shutdown occurs, there may be a freeze to all new wars in the Middle East.
• According to a poll, 55 percent of college students approve of the job President Obama is doing. That may change once they graduate and try to find a job.
• A man in Ohio received a cable bill for $16 million. When he called customer service, they told him that for another $8, he could get the NFL package.

Late Show With David Letterman

• Allergies in New York are so bad right now, the crack dealers are selling Sudafed.
• Top Ten Titles For The HBO Dick Cheney Mini-Series:

10. "From Sneer To Eternity"
9. "Dial M For Medic"
8. "The Fat, the Bald, and the Ugly"
7. "Clear!"
6. "Mr. Cheney Goes to Washington and Everything Goes to Hell"
5. "Do the Wrong Thing"
4. "Lord of the Onion Rings" (You know, because he's fat)
3. "How I Waterboarded Your Mother"
2. "Raging Bullcrap"
1. "Lawrence Of Arrhythmia"

The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson

• After April Fools’ Day, there should be “May I Kick You in the Pants Day.”

Late Night With Jimmy Fallon

• TLC will start airing new episodes of “Kate Plus 8.” And they’re going to keep airing them until Gadhaffi agrees to step down from power.
• A woman in the United Kingdom left her daughter out of her will because she didn’t like the name of one of her grandchildren. That means no inheritance for the woman, or for her baby, little “Grandma Sucks.”

[rickoff]

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90!'

[rickoff]

Little Larry


A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am,' answered Larry, ' but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

[deepti123]

hahaha nice one Rickoff

[Sun Fusion]

Oh my god! That was hilarious!!