Daily ESM Joke!

[rickoff]

Smiles for you

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'' The mother replied, 'Because white is the colour of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' The child thought about this for a moment and said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $50.' The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,he calls it a song, and they give him $100.' The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, so I'll be darned if they'll take me out when I'm dead!'

[johnsonkid]

Grace and Pammie - way too funny.

Ya know, I never really thought about the fact that my Tequila consumption was the enabling factor for my many successes and wonderful characteristics, but now that I think about it. Whew. I guess I'll need to keep drinking!

And Pammie, if I had seen that 16 years ago... JUST KIDDING - I have a great son!!!

[rickoff]

Some timely humor for you.....

Heard on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno:

Congressman Weiner has admitted that he did carry on explicit online relationships with six different women. Well, he thought they were women. Turns out three were women, one was a guy pretending to be a woman, and the other two were congressmen.

[jenny123]

hahaha wow great .....

[rickoff]

Heard on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno

• The royal couple really immersed themselves in American culture while visiting. In fact, when they left, they were $2 trillion in debt.
• President Obama’s staff got raises of 8 percent, more than double the average for regular Americans, which is 3 percent. But to be fair, many of them will be unemployed next November.
• In the last month, President Obama’s re-election campaign raised $86 million. But the bad news is, to get re-elected, he has to come up with $14 trillion more.

[rickoff]

[rickoff]

Heard on The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson

• President Obama and I have a lot in common. No one laughs at our jokes and we were both born in foreign countries.

[rickoff]

A woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job, given her liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and her jobs as a social worker and school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, "That's quite impressive, but I have to ask you this: Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have!" the woman replied. "I've been divorced three times,
owned 2 Chryslers, and I voted for Obama!"

[aljhoa]

United States Corp.'s President



‪Obama FAIL. Pronounces "corpsman", "corpse man"‬‏ - YouTube

Al

[imigyjunia]

Be thankful

Funny. What if I did not know the ending. But still it is a good story that teaches people to be thankful with life.

[rickoff]

Five funny but true stories for you

ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets, so I asked for a half dozen nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter. 'You don't?,' I replied.
'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply. 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?' 'That's right,' said the young fellow. So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

(Unbelievable but sadly true...)

TWO

I was checking out at the local Walmart with just a few items, and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the checkout girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?' I said to her, 'I've changed my mind, so I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'Okay,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue as to what had just happened.

(Yes, the people who work at WalMart may be even stranger than some of those who shop there)

THREE

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

(keep shuddering!!)

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?,' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they
(pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?' 'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm too?,' I asked. 'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

(And this was a brunette, not a "dumb blonde!"


FIVE

Several years ago, we had a new typist who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies!

(After reading these true stories, you probably won't know whether to roll on the floor laughing, or to wince with pain at the sad state of our current public education system.)

[rickoff]

The problem with Barack Obama jokes is that his supporters don't think
they are funny, and the rest of us don't think they are jokes.

[ANTIQUER]

Baptizing a drunk

A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. The drunk walks into the water and bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'

'Yes I am' replies the drunk, so the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the river. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'

The drunk Replies, 'No, I haven't.' The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again, but for a bit longer this time. He pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus, my brother?'

The drunk again answers, 'No, I have not found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again, but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds.

When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asks the drunk again, 'For the love of God, have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

'Are you sure this is where he fell in?

I just knew you all needed a good laugh today.

Al

[ANTIQUER]

Wisdom

Obama wakes up one night, there is George Washington's ghost!

He says, "George how can I help this country?" Washington replies, "Be
honest with the people like I was!"



Obama goes back to sleep and awakes again. This time it's Thomas Jefferson's
ghost!

He says "Tom how can I help this country?" Jefferson says, "Love the
constitution like I did!"



Waking up again there is Abe Lincoln's ghost, he says "Abe how can I help
this country?"

Abe replies, "Go see a play."


Al

[ANTIQUER]

Change

There's an old sea story about a Marine Captain who inspected
his men, and afterward told the company gunny that his men smelled bad.



The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the
Marines would change underwear occasionally.


The Gunny responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"
The Gunny went straight to the barracks and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear."
He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with
Schultz."

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
Someone may come along and promise "Change",

but don't count on things smelling any better.

Al