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On the French Riviera, just outside Monte Carlo.
Time To Hang Up The Car Keys
Al
Time To Hang Up The Car Keys
Al
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Last edited by aljhoa; 09-16-2011, 02:19 PM. -
Sign at a golf club
Supposedly an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland, UK:
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE.. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.
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Heard on the Late Night Show with Jimmy Fallon:
A new study found that a mother’s diet affects her baby’s allergies. Which can only mean one thing: My mom ate cats!"Seek wisdom by keeping an open mind to alternative realities, questioning authority, and searching for truth. Only then, when you see or hear something that has 'the ring of truth' to it, will it be as if a veil has been lifted, and suddenly you will begin to hear and see far more clearly than ever before." - RickoffComment
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hmm, somebody took a picture of her taking a picture? lolOriginally posted by aljhoa View Post
btw it took me a minute to realize that durex billboard was fake, i was looking at the wrong details lol.
i always wondered why i hate sleep, a couple of weeks ago my mom told me she drank tons of coffee while she was pregnant...thats explains it lolA new study found that a mother’s diet affects her baby’s allergies.Comment
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Heard on latenight TV shows:
"Herman Cain said he wants people to know that there’s more between his ears than pepperoni and pizza sauce. He says there’s also a few napkins and crazy bread. - Conan Obrien"
"Herman Cain was in 2nd place in most of the national polls, behind Mitt Romney. Apparently his message of “less government, more toppings” has been well received. - Jimmy Kimmel"Last edited by rickoff; 10-13-2011, 06:57 AM."Seek wisdom by keeping an open mind to alternative realities, questioning authority, and searching for truth. Only then, when you see or hear something that has 'the ring of truth' to it, will it be as if a veil has been lifted, and suddenly you will begin to hear and see far more clearly than ever before." - RickoffComment
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ONLY IN BRITAIN - COMPLAINTS TO LOCAL COUNCILS….. Extracts from letters written to local councils:
1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
16. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
17. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
18. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
19. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
20. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
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Barry says to OWS protestors:
"Seek wisdom by keeping an open mind to alternative realities, questioning authority, and searching for truth. Only then, when you see or hear something that has 'the ring of truth' to it, will it be as if a veil has been lifted, and suddenly you will begin to hear and see far more clearly than ever before." - RickoffComment
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Three parishioners from the local church were asked by their pastor, "When you're in your casket, and your family and friends are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie answered: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Jerome commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"Last edited by rickoff; 02-07-2012, 03:06 PM."Seek wisdom by keeping an open mind to alternative realities, questioning authority, and searching for truth. Only then, when you see or hear something that has 'the ring of truth' to it, will it be as if a veil has been lifted, and suddenly you will begin to hear and see far more clearly than ever before." - RickoffComment
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Heard on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno- A woman in Southern California pepper sprayed her fellow customers on Black Friday at Wal-Mart so she could get an advantage while shopping. But the good news is, today she was offered a job with the U.C. Davis police department.
- A woman claims she had a 13-year affair with Herman Cain. You know what that means? While he was fooling around with those four other women, he was cheating on his mistress.
- Another woman came forward with allegations about Herman Cain. I think she's number 9-9-9 now.
- I don’t think it’s healthy how the holiday sales start on Thanksgiving night. You shouldn’t spend Thanksgiving night in stores fighting with strangers. You should be at home, fighting with your family.
- Over the weekend, President Obama took his daughters to a bookstore. Barack bought Malia “The Phantom Tollbooth,” while Malia bought Barack “Economics for Dummies.”
"Seek wisdom by keeping an open mind to alternative realities, questioning authority, and searching for truth. Only then, when you see or hear something that has 'the ring of truth' to it, will it be as if a veil has been lifted, and suddenly you will begin to hear and see far more clearly than ever before." - RickoffComment
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Heard on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno
- I was in the supermarket today, and I saw some Occupy Wall Street protesters in the dairy department. They were protesting the 1 percent milk.
- One of the holiday decorations at the White House is a 400-pound gingerbread house. Isn't that nice? And in front of that is a 400-pound gingerbread “foreclosed” sign.
- In Utah a hunter was shot when his dog stepped on his shotgun. The dog later apologized and said, “Sorry, but you did neuter me.”
Heard on Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
- It is the holiday season over at the White House. The theme for this year’s Christmas is “Shine, Give, Share.” While rumor is, the theme of next year’s White House Christmas will be “Clean, Pack, Move.”
"Seek wisdom by keeping an open mind to alternative realities, questioning authority, and searching for truth. Only then, when you see or hear something that has 'the ring of truth' to it, will it be as if a veil has been lifted, and suddenly you will begin to hear and see far more clearly than ever before." - RickoffComment
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Heard on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno- Unemployment is down. People are out looking for work. That's good news. In fact, Herman Cain applied at Domino's and Pizza Hut.
- Herman Cain has suspended his presidential campaign, but he has asked the Secret Service if they could continue to provide him protection, at least until his wife cools off.
- Over the weekend, Herman Cain dropped out the Republican presidential race. Cain said he wants to spend more time with the wife. Not his wife.
- Now that he's back home, Cain has a huge to-do list for himself, such as cleaning out the garage and living in it.
"Seek wisdom by keeping an open mind to alternative realities, questioning authority, and searching for truth. Only then, when you see or hear something that has 'the ring of truth' to it, will it be as if a veil has been lifted, and suddenly you will begin to hear and see far more clearly than ever before." - RickoffComment
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Heard on the Late Show With David Letterman- I was at the airport and it was so cold out there that to keep warm the TSA agents were actually putting their hands in their own pants!
"Seek wisdom by keeping an open mind to alternative realities, questioning authority, and searching for truth. Only then, when you see or hear something that has 'the ring of truth' to it, will it be as if a veil has been lifted, and suddenly you will begin to hear and see far more clearly than ever before." - RickoffComment
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In the year 2012, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union address will occur on the same day.
This is an ironic juxtaposition of events.
One involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to an insignificant creature of little intelligence for prognostication.
The other involves a groundhog.Comment
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