Daily ESM Joke!

[Grace]

My son Ryan is at it again!!

Another Spoof by my Son Ryan, he he This is his second production for his TV production class at school!!

HALO THREE INTERVIEW!!

[Grace]

Ryan Again!

Ryan Beard
12/13/07
Speech

Sales Speech – SG 3000
This speech was an assignment given to Ryan for his semester exam. He had to invent an item and try and sell it. ( so read it as if it were an infomercial)


It is often said that guys are shallow, insincere and only interested in one thing when it comes to women. This outlandish, unproven, stereotypical conclusion has us guys at a great disadvantage. If you’ve ever been in a serious relationship, you’ll know where I’m coming from. A recent scientific breakthrough in the field of human thought and feeling analysis done by Spike T.V. during a James Bond/ Rocky Marathon has proven this stereotype factually unsound. It is actually the exact opposite; women are the ones with these characteristics.
So guys, have you ever been in a serious relationship, only to have it end because your partner didn’t really like you for being you. Or she only wanted you for your body. I know I have. This is why I have spent many hours of hard labor and tedious toiling, working closely with Spike T.V. to create the ultimate handy device for guys. A device that lets you know what they know, a device that tells what women truly think about you. I present you the Smart Guy 3000, Accurate 3000% of the time. This device will let you know the reason a girl is interested in you to let you avoid a dishonest relationship.

I had originally struck a deal with Oprah to unveil my gadget live on the show but, guess who all the ticket and stockholders are? Women. They don’t want to let this beast out of the cage.
So let me explain. After using the item you will get one of the following results: Swinger, Gold-digger, Rebound, she wants your bod, out of pity, she’s using you to make someone else jealous, and finally she really wants you. From these results you should determine where you want to go from there.
There are certain restrictions for this device in which case it may not work. The SG 3000 will not work on other species, prostitutes, strippers, the mentally handicapped, Amazonians, homosexuals and your ex. It is extremely important that you know this device will never work on your mom or your sister. Stepsisters are fair game though. In participating states such as West Virginia, Alabama, Kentucky, and Arkansas the SG 3000 will work on cousins. The device will remain inactive in the event of a one-night stand or if you are in the Playboy mansion.
I’d also like to point out that this technology is extremely new and we haven’t been able to work out all the kinks. Over-exposure to the SG 3000 causes some side effects that may include: Oversized ego, Lack of sexual desire, too much sexual desire, an over-dependency, pregnancy, memory loss, and AIDS. It is not recommended that you whip out the SG 3000 at parties and is best used when your woman is sedated. Even with these flaws, don’t forget that its main effect is Love.
So, for 2 easy and 1 pain in the ass payment of $99.99 you can receive the Smart Guy 3000 in all its glory.
BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE! If you order one within the next 739 seconds you are guaranteed 1 month free classes at participating Karate Dojos. AND an extra feature that tells your women’s preferable shoe size.
Don’t miss out on this incredible opportunity! That’s a $900 value for only 3 payments of $99.99. This item will sell out and we only have a limited quantity so hurry up. Don’t be a hurt guy, BE A SMART GUY.



What can I say My son has my same sense of humor!!

[nadine]

In participating states such as West Virginia, Alabama, Kentucky, and Arkansas the SG 3000 will work on cousins.

Grace this is hilarious!! What a mind he has! thanks for sharing

[future pather]

Yeah that line made me laugh outload, as well as, "So, for 2 easy and 1 pain in the ass payment of $99.99 you can receive the Smart Guy 3000 in all its glory."

Jessica

[Grace]

"Adult Language"

DANE COOK - THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MOM AND DAD WHILE CRYING!

[future pather]

Grace,

I am trying to contain myself at work here having just watched that!

I've never seen this guy. His impersonation of his mother is PRICELESS! I should post him in my Magdalena Grid thread for that, lol.


XO Jessica

[Grace]

Pretty darn funny!!

You Too Can Become an Illegal
Are you tired of the bureaucratic red tape involved with taxes and healthcare? Have you ever wondered how you can save yourself a little grief (and possibly big bucks)? This letter, posted over at ControlCongress.com, explains how:

The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes
Senate Office Building Bu
309 Hart
Washington DC , 20510

Dear Senator Sarbanes,

As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the
Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your
assistance. I have contacted the Department of
Homeland Security in an effort to determine the
process for becoming an illegal alien and they
referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from
U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stem from the bill which
was recently passed by the Senate and for which you
voted. If my understanding of this bill’s provisions
is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the
United States for five years, all I need to do to
become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income
taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good
deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the
process started before everyone figures it out! Simply
put, those of us who have been here legally have had
to pay taxes every year so I’m excited about the
prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for
paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can
apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an
excellent result for me and my family because we paid
heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using
the local emergency room as my primary health care
provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for
medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save
almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be
that my daughter would receive preferential treatment
relative to her law school applications, as well as
“in-state” tuition rates for many colleges throughout
the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would
relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver’s license and
making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This
is very important to me given that I still have
college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process
to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and
copies of the necessary forms, I would be most
appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,

Pete McGlaughlin

This is an excellent way for citizens like you and me, overburdened by tax and healthcare expenses, to enjoy the fruits of The Great Society. Worried that illegals can't vote? Not a problem! Many states have no way of checking if you're a legal citizen. So head on over to the polls without a care.

And you thought illegal immigration was a problem?

On a tip from learner.

[Grace]

Who's a Chicken?

Why did the chicken cross the road?




DR. PHIL : " The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems ".





OPRAH: " Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens."





GEORGE W. BUSH: "We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here."





COLIN POWELL: " Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road..." .





ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: "We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road."



JOHN KERRY: "Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it."





PAT BUCHANAN: "To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American."





MARTHA STEWART: "No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information."





DR SEUSS: "Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told."





ERNEST HEMINGWAY: "To die in the rain. Alone."





JERRY FALWELL: "Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the ' other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side'. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that."





GRANDPA: "In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough."





BARBARA WALTERS: "Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road."





JOHN LENNON: "Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace."


ARISTOTLE: "It is the nature of chickens to cross the road."





BILL GATES: "I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........ reboot."







ALBERT EINSTEIN: "Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken ."





BILL CLINTON: " I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken ."





AL GORE: "I invented the chicken!"





COLONEL SANDERS: "Did I miss one?"





DICK CHENEY: " Where's my gun?"





AL SHARPTON: "Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens."





Hillary Clinton: " I have vast experience with chickens and if elected, I will ensure that EVERY chicken has the ability to cross any road they desire."

[Aaron]

lol to the chickens!

Grace!

[Glenn]

This is kinda fun...

The Power of Observation

PS Aaron - where did you get that chicken suit? It's stylin'!!

[Kevin]

Redneck Power Windows

eldon's Site ---- margaritas optional. - Power_Windows.wmv

[Bobi]

Redneck Power Windows

eldon's Site ---- margaritas optional. - Power_Windows.wmv

That is GREAT!!

[Aaron]

what did you have for dinner last night?

This is kinda fun...

The Power of Observation

PS Aaron - where did you get that chicken suit? It's stylin'!!

LOL! It's one of a kind

That test really reveals how little common things are observed. Probably the most popular one I heard growing up is that most people can't even remember what they had for dinner the night before!

[Glenn]

9 Words Women Use

9 WORDS WOMEN USE

1. Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes :: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Do n't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome.

8. Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.


To see how these words, variations of these words, and other words entirely actually affect men in their relationships with women, watch the TV show Coupling (BBC, but also on DVD) - very funny.

[Glenn]

The first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?' And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?' 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.