Daily ESM Joke!

[Viviana]

Why did the chicken cross the road??

Hi everybody, this is kind of long but the last one is what really made me

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MCCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on his side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?


Leave it to Colonel Sanders!

~Viviana -

[Grace]

For Viviana!

Viviana! Your new pics are so BEAUTIFUL!! I also loved this esm joke you posted!

Here is a very funny video that Moria posted to us on Facebook!


Making something very difficult look easy by making it "look difficult"

[Sharyn]

Viviana, we had an Australianised version of that chicken joke going around over here a while ago - very funny!

Oh Grace, that video was so funny! Thanks for posting & Moria for finding it. I have just watched another couple of earlier ones with tears running down my face from laughing so much!

Here they are :

Comedy on the Uneven Bars

Comedy Floor Routine

Love, Light & Blessings
Sharyn

[Grace]

For Sharyn!!

HA HA HA Sharyn!!

Here is one more!!

Paul Hunt in black and white!

[Ingram]

Here's some for today

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,


'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'



'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs
and make love,' and you answer,
'Pick one; I can't do both!'


'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you
on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going braless
pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action'
means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car
in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up
to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes?

[Viviana]

Hilarious!

Sharyn & Grace: That Paul Hunt is so hilarious!!!! What a talent, so so funny!!! Thanks for posting the extra videos!

Ingram: on those jokes!!!!

I must say that I felt a great sense of relief to find out I was not that "OLD"

~Viviana -

[mrbreau]

Big scientific discovery

Hello y'all?

I don't know if it is proper to copy this from another web page or not but here goes anyway. It is from ttbrown.com and near the bottom of the page.

Big Scientific Discovery!

Ohmigod, a miraculous new element has been added to the periodic table:

Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons ex change places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

And we all know who the lead moron is...

I thought it was hilarious.
Warren
..

[Moria]

So did I!!

Thanks Warren!

Moria x

[Pamela]

The Trunk Monkey

Hi Lovies!

Has there ever been a time when YOU wished YOU had your very own Trunk Monkey?

Caution: This video contains some violence...Please view at your own risk...

YouTube - Trunk Monkey Compilation



With Much Love and Gratitude,

Pamela

[Grace]

We need to Laugh!

TRUNK MONKEY!!!! HA HA HA! Pamela, that was hilarious!!



Here is a good one just in from my cousin Erich.



HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk
if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy
that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance,
followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put
it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good He is... and I didn't notice that
the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked,
I'd never have noticed!

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there,
the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his
window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started
honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling
at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share
in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a "sunny beach"...

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat
what that meant, he said, that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign
or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out
the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

My grandson burst out laughing...why, even he was enjoying this
religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they
wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed
the light had changed.

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on
through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through
the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad
that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed
the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian
good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

[Moria]

The sales man

LOLOL!!!!

Here's another one I just read...


A young Geordie (North of the UK) lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager at Harrods asked "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered "Aye man, hods! I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle ya nar,"

The manager liked the Geordie, so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it ok.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "So, how many sales did you make today?"

The Geordie said "Just the one, marra." The manager groaned and continued "Just one??? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day!!

How much was the sale for asked the manager? "£124,237.64" replied the Geordie. The manager choked and exclaimed "£124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishin rod".

"Then, I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat".

"Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him that 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager said "Incredible!!! You mean to tell me, a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat AND a 4x4"?

"Nah man, nah......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for 'is lass and a said......... 'Well, since ya weekend's up the spoot, you might as well gan fishin."

Moria x

[Grace]

Laughter is truly Medicine!!




A drunk walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar, and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three tough-looking bikers sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, looks the biggest, meanest biker in the face, and says, "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck-naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"
The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and always gets into fights at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"
The biker's buddies are starting to get upset, but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans over one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!" At this point, the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says, "Grandpa, go home, you're drunk!"

[Grace]

Time to Laugh again!

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

[Ingram]

Thanks Grace, I needed that.

[Viviana]

Do YOU know what orbits around the earth?

Uhmm, yeah....can this still be possible???

What orbits around the earth?

~Viviana -