My Apology

[KimJ]

Hi Val!

Hi Val,

I've been following this thread with interest, love and compassion for you, and in all honesty some frustration, but I do understand where you come from. I've not been in the same situation as you with what you seem to have been going through, but nonetheless have had my own difficulties to climb out of. That said, I'm nowhere near having done so and Illusions is light years ahead of me in the life she has created, but I do know I have the power within myself to make any and all changes, it's just a matter of persistence.

Anyway, my point in posting is only because it seems so many of your issues are with our creator and it being a cruel universe. You come back to this often and so I just had to offer you something that has helped me which may be useful to you... or not...

This isn't a new version of anything but I became more aware of it through A Course in Miracles, as well as The Disappearance of the Universe (by Gary Renard). It's pretty complex and hard to wrap your mind around, but basically just consider what if this universe we 'live' in has nothing to do with our creator and is all illusion. Of course then, it would not be the creator causing all these cruel, tragic things to happen, but us? What if He (She, It, whatever you want to call it) has nothing to do whatsoever with what is happening in this 'reality'? Now why this illusion exists, why the creator doesn't 'help', and all those amazing, crazy details are too vast for me to go into, plus I wouldn't have a clue as to where to begin, but I just wanted to put that out there for you to pursue if it piqued your curiosity at all. I apologize though if you've already read those works and it does not resonate with you. I just wanted to put it out there in case it's not something you've come across.

The other thing that just seemed to jump out at me was about your cat. It seems strangely 'coincidental' (when there are no coincidences) that she also has GI issues that are causing her so much suffering. Perhaps she is trying to take on some of your issues out of love for you? I do not say that in any way for you to feel pain about that as well (!!) but just something to consider in the choices you make regarding your own perception, as this would very likely help your cat immensely as well. Perhaps you can't move forward with Illusions suggestions for yourself yet, but maybe you can because of your love for your cat?

Anyway, again, I'm just a kindergartener on this forum and am learning/remembering at a slow pace compared to many here, so I take no offense if this doesn't resonate with you at all. Also, I haven't read all your posts so I'm sorry if you've already talked about any of this before. Either way though, my intention is only to send you love and let you know someone else 'out there' is cheering you on.

Take care.
Kim

[Pamela]

Hi Lovies...

First off, I would like to extend my deepest appreciation to you, Darling Odille, for all of the BRILLIANT advice you have been posting to our Dear Val... You ARE an Angel, my friend...

And, Dear Kim...I was a wee bit taken aback when I read your post to Val... What you have written are the same thoughts that I have been thinking of writing, but I have been hesitant because I also didn't want to add advice that Val might not resonate to and I don't want her to feel overwhelmed...

Anyway, my point in posting is only because it seems so many of your issues are with our creator and it being a cruel universe. You come back to this often and so I just had to offer you something that has helped me which may be useful to you... or not...

Kim...This is exactly what I have been thinking and when you suggested Gary Renard's book, The Disappearance of the Universe, along with A Course in Miracles, my eyes got wide because I feel that this could allow Val the opportunity to learn that the creator is NOT responsible for the sorrows of the world, and therefore help her see that by holding Him/Her/It responsible for the suffering that is perceived in this "illusion" or "dream" is precisely what is preventing her from connecting to the powerful and infinite power of Who She Really Is...

I read Gary's book not too long ago and as it is the PERFECT introduction to A Course In Miracles, even before I finished it, I went out and purchased my own copy of ACIM, which I KNOW will be something that I will look to on a daily basis for the rest of my life.

And just like you, Kim, I was also considering prefacing my own post about this to her with the two words "What if..."

...what if this universe we 'live' in has nothing to do with our creator and is all illusion. Of course then, it would not be the creator causing all these cruel, tragic things to happen, but us? What if He (She, It, whatever you want to call it) has nothing to do whatsoever with what is happening in this 'reality'? Now why this illusion exists, why the creator doesn't 'help', and all those amazing, crazy details are too vast for me to go into, plus I wouldn't have a clue as to where to begin...

Oh, Yes, Kim... "Where to begin" is an understatement...In order to understand what The Course, or what "The Voice for God" is saying, it is absolutely necessary to read it. It would be a monumental task for a student of The Course to try to explain the blessed knowledge that is given within this book in a few posts...

My Dearest Val... I am wondering if you would at least CONSIDER reading The Disappearance of the Universe... By reading this, you could then have a really good idea about what A Course In Miracles teaches and know whether or not it would resonate with you. And...It is an EXCELLENT read, too!!! Easy to get through and VERY entertaining as well as exquisitely informative and eye-opening! I truly think this could be life-changing and transformative for you in many, many ways.

Let us know what you think, okay Sweet Val? And KNOW that I am thinking of you and ALWAYS sending you MUCH Love and Light.

With Much Love and Gratitude,

Pamela

[KimJ]

For Pamela

Funny you should post, Pamela, as it was a post from you that made me go out and get The Disappearance of the Universe! What an amazing, entertaining, yet profoundly thought-provoking book! I just finished it but I almost want to read it again already just to see what new things I get out of it the second time around. As for ACIM, I haven't got my hands on one yet aside from getting it for three weeks from the library (not exactly enough time!! LOL), but it's hard to find it around here. It certainly changes the way you look at everything doesn't it, even for those already embracing the quantum aspects of our 'reality'!

Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts on my post. Like you, I've hesitated on posting it as well for the same reasons but this time I decided since it kept coming up for me, it must be for a reason.

Val, by the way, I also wanted to post to you that I also looked at your artwork and agree completely with Illusions - it is beautiful work! You definitely have a gift!



Kim

[DavidE]

VJoy

I don't feel any gratitude to the creator, and maybe I don't want this life??? ANY life???, ........I feel the creator is cruel to have created a world with such suffering. I don't know how to change that attitude. I wish I felt differently, but that kind of belief is not something that can be changed like we change moods or attitudes.........it is ingrained in me from my experience and what I observe. I simply just don't get all the suffering.

Birth-Adolescence-Adulthood-Transcendence

Characteristics of being stuck in *adolescence are a blindness to the balance of existence. Since what you have in front of you is so bright, nothing else can exist. Until you choose to scale the light.

That can be brought about many ways, but you will fight this as long as you do not begin to form a belief that where you are, is simply a stage. Some people believe that they deserve the pain of this bondage, so they remain and continue to pay their debts. Causing a mood despair. I hear this in many words that you write.

There is only one escape from your current state. New experience.

The darkness is that which gives definition to the light.
The light is that which gives definition to the darkness.
There is no separation, each gives the other meaning...
contrast, choice.






*Adolescent outlook in the domain of the purpose/meaning of life. Not an adolescent being, but behavior in that domain.

[Sunshine]

Hi Val

Just catching up with these posts. Lots of things occured to me reading them but then I couldn't remember them ! and all your questions seemed to have been addressed far better than I can probably help anyway. I've re-done this about 3 times now - (make that 4)because I can't quite seem to be able to say what I want! But I did want to try and help so here goes.

I think the reason things are so bad for you is because you have layer upon layer of programming affecting you. This is from things that have happened to you in your life. I think you reach a stage where so much "negative" and "bad" stuff happens that that's all you believe in and everywhere you look you see evidence of it. So how can you think positive when you don't have enough experience of it and you just can't imagine nice things anymore? And the more things continue to be horrible, the worse you feel and the more powerless and you just cannot see how anything can possibly change.

I think if you have bad experiences and these are just compounded throughout your life then it creates a pretty grim reality for you. I know because this is my experience. And yes, when you try to change things they just seem to get worse or nothing happens and you just seem to fall further back down. And I really do understand how desperate you feel that things won't change.

What I am learning is:

1. To be kind to myself.
And no, this hasn't been easy. Quite a challenge in fact! I am accepting that I do my best even if I don't get things right and even if I struggle and can't be kind to myself!!! Even if I have a day where I'm NOT kind to myself, I'm not allowing myself to beat myself up about it!!

2. To follow Odille's advice and to do something I like and enjoy. And no, this isn't easy either! But I'm learning to LISTEN to myself. I try to identify how I FEEL about each decision I make. Does it make me feel good or bad? And if it's bad then I won't do it. And again, the times when I don't manage it, I'm learning not to beat myself up about it!
And to try and live for the moment and find happiness where you can. Tomorrow doesn't exist yet. Like I say, this is what I'm learning. Trying to balance what is with the outcome I'd like. Accepting things as they are and stopping fighting them. Even when this means saying I'm in loads of pain, I hate it, I hate the noise, whatever I feel, just accept it's there. And then being grateful for any teeny weeny incy little positive thought you might have. And not beating yourself up everyday if you don't have one. Just being grateful if you do. And I really do think it's important just starting out on this not to expect to be positive about everything all at once!! Any little step is a step in the right direction.

3. To give Paths a chance. If there's a lot of stuff to reprogramme it may take time. I find it very frustrating that I can't open up my head and peer in to check what's going on!! And when others get faster results you do wonder why it's not happening for you. But I really think that Paths can succeed because it can reach parts other therapies can't! I know with me my head has done all the work it can but there are so many subconscious things that need healing and I have to trust that it's beavering away each day for me.

There are so many therapies out there, so much information, so much advice. Sometimes your head can hurt with it all. And then there's the mixture of reading success stories and wanting the same for yourself, and living in a world where instant success seems to be the norm. We're all different, with different experiences and stories to tell. What works for one person won't work for another. There are so many questions and not enough answers! All I am learning is to be grateful where I can. I'm grateful I'm here where there are so many lovely people all willing to help. Grateful that even in my darkest moments help has somehow arrived. Will it be there tomorrow? I don't know. All I know is that today is all I have and so I am learning to acknowledge any gratitude I feel, to be kind to myself, and to do something I enjoy each day and to stop trying so hard and beating myself up!!

Actually all I come back to is don't beat yourself up. And stop thinking! I only say this because I'm a pretty left brained sort of person. Brilliant organiser, pretty analytical, very logical and with a mind that works at a very fast pace. I don't think I ever stop thinking!! And I do, or at least did, judge myself very harshly. Getting better with just occasional relapses.

Don't know if any of this has made sense or been helpful. I'm still learning. I just wanted you to know that I really do know how you feel. Take it easy on yourself and don't beat yourself up about anything!

[Sunshine]

whoops! Pressed wrong button! Was meant to be pressing preview! And it submitted. Oh well, guess that stops me trying to edit for the millionth time and get it all "perfect"

And it gives me a chance to add another

[VJoy]

illusions, DavidE, KimJ, Pamela and Sunshine

I want thank you all so much for your kindness.
Odille, DavidE, KimJ, Pamela, and Sunshine.


Odille, the bottom line of what you are saying is.....do good things for myself. I don't want to trouble you with any more questions......I really appreciate everying you have tried to help me with!


Pamela and DavidE, thank you,

KimJ , I have always been turned off the idea of a course in miracles......sounds too spiritual for me. I may be wrong, but that has been how I feel. I used to belong to a spiritual group with friends, and they discussed it alot and I never wanted to touch it. I actually left the group because all the spiritual theories talked about just depressed me. But I thank you for you kindness.

Sunshine , I thank you for taking the time to help me. I know you are going through tough times, and you are very, very sweet. Seems we do have a lot in common.....I wish you much success.




I feel defeated today. Yesterday was a day filled with such agonizing pain from IBS, that I cannot describe. There were times I wanted to die. This is the 5th month of this, and I cannot live this way.
I came up with a theory today of what could be irritating such bad attacks, and it MIGHT partly be my cat. I recall she took a turn for the worse sometime early summer.....deveolped Iflammatory bowel disease, and I have to watch her decliine. Plus the GUILT I have that I don't do enough for her. I LOVE HER SO MUCH!! I mentioned in my last post that I had issues with the medical caretaking. That is part of it. But watching her when she doesn't play anymore, can't lie on her stomach, cries when left alone.........I want to run away!! (despite all this she is not sick enought to be put to sleep, trust me)...

I think these attacks came on around or after the time of diagnosis and ensuing decline in health. I don;t know how to deal with this!! She is my first pet, so I have never dealt with this situation before, and every second of every day, I think about her and the stress involved, plus guilt, = agonizing pain for ME. I don't know if this is the cause of my pain, but it is a theory, considering the timing.
Yes, I can show her love, etc.......but the heartbreak of my baby declining and all her health issues are here to stay until she passes.

I am defeated and very depressed. How can I build a life for myself when I only have 2 weeks a month of functioning? And.....anticipating the next round of horrible, horrible pain.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE ANY OF THIS The grief and guilt and burden, over my beloved cat, and these agonizing, debiliating 10 day abdominal attacks.....

Thank you all.

[DavidE]

VJoy

"I am defeated"

In the moment, you are choosing that perspective.

Safe travels.

[VJoy]

DavidE

Thank you DavidE, and you are correct to a point. But if you have ever, ever been in the kind of repeating physical abdominal pain I am experiencing, you might think differently. (I have written about it elsewhere on this forum)

Thanks

[Sunshine]

Val

I really really feel for you and completely understand what you are going through. I had some thoughts last night when I was in the bath (always do my best thinking there!!) and was going to post them today. Then I read what you'd written. So I also want to put down some thoughts about your cat. I worked with rescue animals for 10 years and also have had 4 cats and 4 dogs (only one left now!)so I have some experience of them. But I have an interview this morning (yipee!!) so daren't be late and therefore only have half an hour to do this. So will see how far I get.

[DavidE]

VJoy

There is no escape for the pain I feel, 24/7. Countless people are afflicted by even much more difficult conditions than I. All I know is that whether it is minutes, hours or days that I have left on this planet... I choose to see opportunity, wonder, light.

With the rising of the sun, I am granted life for another day... I will not color the existence with black and blue... but yellow, turquoise and tangerine... because I choose too.

Furthermore, I will lend you a hand... but you must do the rest. I didn't make up the rules, but let me assure you... I will honor them.

1. Stay on your current circuitous path?
2. Begin life anew, develop purpose and meaning?

One path is lonely, finite.
The other path is rich with
opportunities, infinite.

I understand the choice is easy and difficult.
The time for talk is about over.
Act.

Choose.
Step forward.
Step back.

[Sunshine]

I'm back! Didn't get the job - something about a meringue! (long story!!)

Ok, last night's thoughts first.

There's a lot of talk about the Law of Attraction and thoughts become things and cosmic ordering - all basically saying that what you think and feel about is what will become your reality. Whether you believe that or not, just suppose it is true. I know I have fought against it and felt angry because if the circumstances in my life are "horrible" and not what I want, then how have I created it and isn't that just awful because I don't want it in my life but the more I don't want it the more it continues and here I can see how you feel the universe is cruel.

So what I thought was this. Quite clearly I have struggled and even when I try my very very best things don't get better. And people telling me I'm creating it and to focus on the positive makes me want to scream because I CAN'T!!! So I got to thinking about WHY.

Example one. My neighbours have been causing me a lot of distress. Banging about and basically I have to wake up and go to bed when they do. I absolutely hate it. What I want is peace and quiet. But I had similar problems in my last 3 houses so I must be creating it. But how to break the cycle? At the moment they are away and it is bliss. I go around smiling and thinking how lovely it is and this is what I want and feel all happy and peaceful. And what I realised is that when it is quiet like this it is easy to picture and feel what I want and so I can see how that would create more of what I want. And if the situation is neutral, then again, I could imagine what I want. But if all I have is noise then I find it impossible to imagine what I want.

Example two. If you are suffering debilitating pain for two weeks at a time then of course you are going to find it impossible to think about anything else. How can you possibly imagine and feel what it's like to be healthy and free from pain when you're in agony?

When you are surrounded by the circumstance you don't want and you experience it physically or mentally or emotionally it perpetuates itself and colours how you view the world. How do you see any beauty in life when you are in physical, emotional or mental agony?

So what can I or you or anyone do about it? Well, I think it's to think good thoughts when things aren't so bad. Even if it's just noticing how blue the sky is or how warm the sunshine is or if someone is kind to you. Or if you're enjoying some chocolate. Anything at all that you can appreciate and feel good about and then try and really notice that you are feeling it. It's only a small step but sometimes this is all we can take. You say there are two weeks a month when you are able to function. Ok, so you'd prefer it to be four! Who wouldn't?!! But two's a start. During those two weeks, can you try to find anything at all to feel good about and enjoy? And you say you feel defeated and depressed. I know what that's like. I've had days when I truly wanted to die. Although when I really thought about it I didn't actually want to die, I just wanted the agony I was experiencing to go away and couldn't take anymore. And it's understandable when you're in great pain. I know it's hard. I'm on a learning path like you. But I think when the "horrible" stuff lets up, even if just for a moment, the way to go is to find something nice to think about.

So your cat.

How sick does she have to be to be put to sleep? Please don't take this the wrong way. I don't mean it nastily. Let me explain what I mean. It is not a criticism or a judgement. It is a question. And I'm not saying that I think she should be put to sleep. Only you and your husband and your vet can know what to do. I'm just trying to help you maybe see things a different way. You say she doesn't play anymore, can't sleep on her stomach, cries when left alone. I know you talk to your vet and I don't know what he/she's said to you. I don't know what drugs she's on or side effects or whether it's cureable or anything. But if she's not happy and there's no chance that will improve? You have the power to end her suffering. Is she enjoying her life or simply existing?

I had a Golden Retriever who had cancer. I made the decision to put her to sleep before she got very sick. Once she was diagnosed she went on chemo which involved me giving her various tablets each day and then going to the vets for a long injection into her vein every few weeks. We did this for about 6 months. She was never going to be cured it was just buying time. I decided I didn't want to wait until she was obviously in pain or not eating. So on our two weeks holiday we had a lovely time - she was still able to go for walks. we enjoyed every minute with her and then we took her to the vets for the last time. She went in there with her tail wagging. It was heartbreaking. She could still walk and eat. Maybe I should just wait a little longer? but I knew I made the right decision. The vet wrote me a lovely letter afterwards which was really kind of him and helped a lot. But that was the decision that was right for me. Not everyone would have chosen that. Some would have thought it too early. But I just didn't want her to suffer. I've had to put quite a few animals to sleep in my job and with my pets. Each decision is different. And it's hard. There's tremendous responsibility. And there's no way of knowing if you've got it right. Who's to judge? You can only do what you think is best at the time and work from your heart. I completely understand how difficult it must be if she is your first pet. And she is your family, your baby. The thought of losing her must be so hard. But again, I would ask myself, what does SHE want? What is her quality of life? You don't have to watch her declining. Would your vet be happy to put her to sleep now? I'm not suggesting that's what you should do. Only you can decide. But I've worked with vets. And I know that they do not put animals to sleep without good reason. So if your vet said they WOULD be happy to put her to sleep, maybe that would help your guilt. Vets will try all they can to make our pets better. So if they say that yes, to put to sleep, we know that would be a good thing for them. And if you are alone most of the day with your cat it must be very hard to watch her. The decision about what to do is a hard one. All I can suggest is talk to your husband, talk to your vet. And talk to your cat in your head. Ask her what she wants. You will miss her and grieve for her when she goes and yes, it's hard, very hard. But you can't stop her dying at some point. At some point, she will likely die before you so you will have to deal with her going. I look at it that you therefore make the most of her whilst you have her. And again, I'm not saying I think she should be put to sleep. I'm just coming at this from the point that you've obviously been working with your vet to make her better and it's not happening.

The other thought I have is about time. I know for me time has become a little hazy recently. A year can go by in the blink of an eye and a day can seem to last for ever. And when I'm talking here to you and reading what others write, I feel I'm there with you, even though we are on separate continents. I feel I'm in the room with you. And I wonder how do animals see time? Do they care whether they live 16 years or 6 years or 6 months? I don't know. Do they wonder what they will be doing in 3 weeks time or next year? I don't know. I think they're more capable than us of just experiencing the moment. I think they live more for the day and therefore what is important is how they are feeling each moment. And would you want all your cat's moments to be of feeling poorly? I have noticed that animals are remarkably resilient. They have an operation and can be on their feet the next day and ready to go! We humans take a lot longer!! And when they're mistreated they still trust and come forward wagging their tails. So I think when they show signs of being unwell and unhappy then something really is wrong.

I don't know if any of this helps you at all. It's just my thoughts. Above all, I just want you to know that I think about you and send you lots of love and hugs.

[VJoy]

DavidE and Sunshine

Thank you DavidE and Sunshine.

Sunshine.....I appreciate your deeply feeling and thought out post to me. You are an angel to work with animals, and I applaud that. I used to volunteer at a no-kill shelter, which is ultimately where I got my precious cat.

As far as my cat's quality of life, I completely understand where you are coming from. I expressed my concern to the vet and he just said "well it's your cat, I can't tell how she is all day".. UGH.......so no help from him.

The thing with her (Dani) is that while she is sick and on medications, and definately uncomfortable, how do we tell if they are ready to go? I have heard advice from several friends on how they decided to put their animals to sleep. They said, the PET lets you know. They have that "look" that leaves them no doubt. I saw that look earlier this year, thinking this was the end, she stared at me with empty eyes, and I was sure this was it. A trip the the vet indicated a badly infected tooth. It was removed, and she was okay! She must have been in a ton of pain.

I am now looking for that "look". She doesn't have it...quite yet. Now, does she want to go? I don't know. Does she want to stay around? I don't know. Hubby doesn't know either, and we know her very, very well.

The thing is, she does have good moments. Hubby told me last night she actually played a little, for the first time in a long while, and she purrs when she is held and petted, and seems content. She still eats. Yes, the meds have side effects, which is mostly sleepiness. She does talk to me a lot (meows), I have no idea what she wants or is saying. God I wish I did.

So......how to tell? I have no clue yet. If I see that "look" I will take her that day to the Vet and do it. But if I take her too soon, end her life when she isn't ready, the guilt of "did I make the right decision" may haunt me forever.

So in addition to watching her not well, the stress of making this decision is adding to everything. My first concern is for her, and I just don't know how to tell if she is ready. I tried talking to her in my head, and out loud....made no difference.

As to focusing on things that are good during the two weeks I don't have the pain, I am finding that increasingly hard. Every month I get this attack, I loose more weight, and feel completely depleted. right now I am exhausted, and for the next week and a half, I have doctors appointments, which will fill my time until the next attack. What is there to look forward to? I have nothing. Only growing fear that this cannot be solved.

My one last idea was to try accupunture, which I have a consultation with for thursday. I don't have any other options. If this doesn't help, I fear I really will want to die.

I am glad your neighbors are away, and that you have some relief. I am also glad that you can find good things to focus on.

I have spent the entire day in panic, worrying about the next pain attack. I know that isn't healthy but I don't know how to stop myself, it is like I have riled myself up into almost a full panic attack (for which I am on drugs for), so I don't know how I can see much good, if my life is to be 2 weeks okay, and 2 weeks of agony. That is no way to live. AND......what if the pain gets worse, and doesn't ever go away?

I am crying now, i have to stop, thank you Sunshine for your kindness.

[Sunshine]

Hi Val

Reading what you've put, I wonder if maybe NOT making a decision about Dani would take the stress out of it? It's very clear from what you've said that you're not going to let her suffer and love her to bits. So maybe just decide not to decide! . Just take it one day at a time. If she seems worse then it sounds like you'd take her to the vets so then your decision may well get made for you - either way. So maybe you can just relax on it. Just trust that because you love her and want what's best for her that you will make the right decision. And have you thought about consulting a different vet? Is it possible to see a different one at the same practice? Vets are like anyone else. Some you relate to, some you don't. I know in the 6 months before Jess was put to sleep the vet was quite happy for me to phone whenever - not even go in. And just chat through my worries and concerns. And from having worked in a vets I know we would be quite happy if someone rang up and explained that they just wanted to talk things through to arrange that. And we even let them choose which vets they wanted.And no charge. Even if they've not seen Dani they would have the notes to refer to. It might be worth a try. Sometimes just talking things out loud can help you. Even if you strongly disagree with something someone says at least it helps you know how you do feel!!!

I wish you well for Thursday. I've experienced acupuncture - but without the needles!!! I'm far too sensitive to have needles stuck in me, even if they are teeny weeny ones. I know it helps many people. Have you thought about reflexology at all? I ask because I practice it and it is really good for relaxing you and de-stressing you, as well as for helping your body to heal itself. And you can always have hand reflexology if you don't like your feet being touched!!! If you lived nearer I'd give you a session to see if you liked it but you're a little far for my hands to reach So instead I'll send you lots of love

[VJoy]

Sunshine and Everyone Here

Dear Sunshine,

You are very, very kind. Thank you.

This Vet is the best we have found, after many tries, even though his manner stinks. He does take very good physical care of her, so we have no one else to go to, or we would.

I have tried reflexology years ago, didn't help me. The doctor today said she would try accupunture next week, but she thinks I need to focus more on emotional issues, like the enormous anger I have toward my abusive parents, and that is very true, but that takes time, and I don't feel I have much of that left, because I am getting sicker each month.

Besided the worry over Dani, I have sooooo many other worries, (there are other things I have to deal with, problems I haven't mentioned here) and new ones. I am sssssooooooooooooooooooo physically sick, I am sooooo tired, I lost much more weight and feel very malnurished after this last 10 day pain attack, after 5 months, it is taking it's toll. I have only a week and a half left to stuff myself with food, to try to keep whatever weight I can, before the next 10 day cycle. I am really loosing hope, and don't even know if I want to do much more.......maybe it is time to stop trying. I only logged on to look up a drug to see what it was, or else wouldn't have turned on my computer, I feel too sick right now. Too much. It is all too much.

Sunshine, I don't expect you to have anything to say, or anyone else for that matter, so please don't feel you need to. You are very kind.

You are all very kind, I feel less and less hope each doctor I see, and less and les hope every day.

I need to go back and lie down now. That is all I can do this week, go to doctors and lie down because I am so sick.