My Apology

[Christine G.]

Vjoy

Have you tried Thetahealing before? There is a thread on here about thetahealing, just wondered if you tried or thought about it

[VJoy]

Christine G.

Hi Christine....no I have not tried it. I don't believe that anything can help me anymore.

thank you anyway, you are kind

[Raindancer]

YouTube - Cliff Richard - It's In Everyone Of Us

Love and Light,
Raindancer

[Sunshine]

Hi Val

I just wanted you to know that I understand feeling without hope and the weariness and just feeling overwhelmed. I will keep sending you lots of love and know that if I can do anything, just ask. Even if you just want to say how you feel because I know sometimes it can help and know that others have had similar things and understand. I don't have any magical answers and I'm not a great healer or anything. I just don't want you to feel you're alone with what you're going through. There's lots of people here.

[VJoy]

Raindancer and Sunshine, thank you

Sunshine, you are very sweet, but even with all the kind people here, I AM alone.......the pain is still there a little even in between attacks, which means I am getting worse. I have spiraled from depression to despondency, and I feel that I want to give up. I have been crying for 2 days, and see no hope for this pain, because if it is driven by my stress and anger, how can I heal that in short enough time before these pain attacks completely take over???? It is already weakening my intestines, and I can't outrun this thing. By the end of the year or sooner, it might be here every day of my life, and that is terrifying.

I can't calm down, I upped my anti-anxiety meds, but that takes time to work and is only a small thing. My bigger issue is now I am in some sort of pain everyday, and there is nothing I feel that can be done about it. The doctors don't know what to do.

I am alone, even my husband is leaving me alone, he knows he can't help me. My cat is crying, she doesn't understand why I am so upset (which is breaking my heart, because I love her so much), and I wish I could die in my sleep tonight. (although I am heartbroken over my husband and my cat)

I have no one to really talk to, I am alone with my thoughts all day, except for doctors visits, and those are not helping.

I want to give up.

Again, sunshine, don't feel badly if you don't answer this, there is nothing to be said.

Thank you

[Raindancer]

YouTube - Tim McGraw - Live Like You Were Dying

Love and Light,
Raindancer

[Doug]

Hey Val

Val,
What about your parents, are they still around???



Doug -- who's wearing ski goggles on bike rides now, 39° this morning - gotta get the Sunday paper Probably that cool in Queens, right?

[illusions]

Odille, the bottom line of what you are saying is.....do good things for myself. I don't want to trouble you with any more questions......I really appreciate everying you have tried to help me with!

Hi Val

You're very welcome, and I'm sorry that there's nothing more I seem to be able to offer that will help.

I do know that as long as you hang on to the feelings of despising and blaming and loathing yourself, it will get worse. The only way out as far as I know is to Find a way to feel compassion, warmth and kindness for yourself. And I know that you find that difficult, but I also know that it's a lot more difficult to deal with what you're currently dealing with.

Begining to find ways to introduce feelings of kindness and compassion for yourself is the only way I know of that will stop this self-destruction and turn it around to help you to start healing.

And unfortunately, no-one else can do it for you, only you can do it. I can point you in the direction, and give suggestions that I've found worked for myself and my sister, but you have to take those steps.

I'm thinking of you, and sending you lots and lots of Love always.
Let me know if there's anything else I can do to help.

Love and Light and Magic xxx

[VJoy]

Doug and Illusions

Thank you Doug and Illusions.

Doug, yes, my parent's are alive, but we haven't spoken in 10 years, and it has to stay that way. I would love to go and RIP INTO THEM, but for reasons way to long to post here, it wouldn't help. And, I am not emotionally prepared for the hateful dialogue that would be opened from them, it would just be too much for me to handle. So I need to find other ways of "reparenting" myself.

I don't know that this is all anger towards my parents. I think it is a lot of stress that finally caught up with me. I came down with PTSD in April, and early summer my cat got more sick. Then, during EMDR for the PTSD, traumas with my parent's came up, and I started working on that....but I don't believe that is the sole cause of this. I think various stresses, followed by a lifetime of CONSTANT fear and stress, caught up with me, and started his cycle. I need to learn to CALM DOWN, but I feel lost as to how. I know many kind people here have given me advice, but as I mentioned earlier, I feel a race against the clock.....the pain is here in some form every day now, and how do I learn to calm down after a lifetime of this BEFORE the permanent damage is done to my intestines?
I just spoke to my psychopharmacologist about increasing my meds even more. (as much as I HATE that) I told him I had thoughts this weekend of, I don't want to live, if this kind of pain is my future.....he said to check back with him in 10 days to see how the meds are doing.
Sorry for the longwinded answer, I have no friends anymore, my 2 therapists aren't helping me anymore, (they don't know what to tell me) I have no one to talk to, and it just came out of me. Thanks for you concern, you are very sweet. Doug

Odille, I do thank you and I do value all the advice you gave me in this thread, even if it seems I don't. I know you are right about so many things, I just can't seem to get myself to do it!!!!! Every time I fight the impulse to give in to depression, and try something, I fail. Over and over...


Begining to find ways to introduce feelings of kindness and compassion for yourself is the only way I know of that will stop this self-destruction and turn it around to help you to start healing.


How do I do this before my pain takes over? Also, reducing the stress, as I wrote above to Doug, my fear of this pain, my sick cat, LIFE......MY FEAR OF THIS PAIN.....I am in such a panic, I don't know how to get the stress down, I never succeeded at that with all my attempts and various modalities and various therapists.
Yes, I am still listening to Paths, and I have had the trauma module since you suggested it. I actually even had the thought, maybe Paths is causing come cog dis, and is making my pains and thoughts worse, and making me have suicidal thoughts!!??!! I can't tell, because I have had panic attacks before, but the thought did cross my mind. I have no proof of that though.

I also have been trying your advice, and, for example, playing chess online......I don't find it helping. That doesn't mean your advice is wrong, I haven't been able to muster enjoyment for anything right now, and I don't know how to get that back.

I don't know.....anyway, Odille, I am not asking you to take a lot of time answering me, I am sure I have frustrated you,--it is not your wise advice, it is my weakness at not being able to impliment it effectively.....and I hope if all the info you posted previously can't ultimately help me, then it helps someone else.

Thank you both, and everyone.

[Raindancer]

Hi Val,

Wonderful that you are still listening/watching to your PATHs theater!

Reparenting; great plan!!! When you have pain, ask, "Am I regressed?" If you get "yes", then say, "I am regressed." Ask yourself, "How old is he/she?" (Not how old am I.) Visualize yourself a wise, loving and caring adult, holding your child and providing nurture and structure. Ask your child what he/she wants. Look at him/her straight in the eyes, hold his/her face in your hands and tell him/her that you are not the parents that hurt him/her and that you are different and that you will take care of him/her and then also set your boundaries. If he/she is causing you this pain, then tell him/her that this is not ok and you will happily help him/her out and they don't need to you hurt you so much anymore in order to get your attention.

You can do the same when sucidel thought comes to mind. Ask, "Am I regressed?" If "yes" then do similar process as above.

Historically I have known suicidal thoughts, I have known PTSD, I have known chronic, debilitating pain, ... Historically. Great growth experience...what is the price to be free...determination to let anger go, to let judgement go, to let love in, to let love flow... reparent, reparent, reparent yourself and set yourself free It's a process, it's not easy, just do it one minute at a time; just do it.

Love and Light,
Raindancer

[VJoy]

Thank you Raindancer.......

[Raindancer]

My pleasure, Val!

I see you happy, healthy and dancing in the streets!



Love and Light,
Raindancer

[illusions]

Hi Val

...my fear of this pain, my sick cat, LIFE......MY FEAR OF THIS PAIN.....I am in such a panic, I don't know how to get the stress down, I never succeeded at that with all my attempts and various modalities and various therapists.

NOW is the Time to Write That Letter!!!!!! I know you find it difficult and you don't believe it will work, but if nothing else is working, it's worth doing as a last resort.

I don't know that this is all anger towards my parents. I think it is a lot of stress that finally caught up with me. I came down with PTSD in April, and early summer my cat got more sick. Then, during EMDR for the PTSD, traumas with my parent's came up, and I started working on that....but I don't believe that is the sole cause of this. I think various stresses, followed by a lifetime of CONSTANT fear and stress, caught up with me, and started his cycle. I need to learn to CALM DOWN, but I feel lost as to how. I know many kind people here have given me advice, but as I mentioned earlier, I feel a race against the clock.....the pain is here in some form every day now, and how do I learn to calm down after a lifetime of this BEFORE the permanent damage is done to my intestines?

EVERYTHING you are suffering is rooted in the damage from your childhood, caused by your parents. EVERY SINGLE Symptom - the pain, your cat's illness, - the "various stresses" you mention that you feel are contributing to the pain etc - every one Directly ROOTED in your childhood. Every one DIRECTLY ROOTED in what you Learned from your parents, from the things they told you, and the way you were treated and spoken to!

It's time to put the blame where it belongs. Confronting them in reality would not be productive, but if you do the letter right - it WILL WILL WILL help!!!!

Here's what to expect from the letter:
At first, you will feel more anger than ever - but here's the important thing:
That Anger that you feel when you star writing the letter is Not New!!! That anger is not created by writing the letter!!! That anger is inside you Right NOW, and it's manifesting in the pain, and Everything Else that you're suffering from at the moment!! When you Feeel that anger when you write the letter - that is what it feels like when it comes out!
Like squeezing a pimple - all the stuff comes out and you get to see it. That stuff isn't new - sqeezing the pimple doesn't CAUSE the stuff. The stuff is in there Causing the Pain! Squeezing REVEALS the stuff, but it also gets it out and gets rid of it.

What you have at the moment is a Massive Emotional Cyst. And the longer you keep it in, the more it festers. And the more it festers, the more the pain increases, the more the stress grows and the more the struggle grows.

It's fit to burst, and by resisting bursting it you are risking your life. When you burst it, it will all come pouring out, and you'll see more of it as it comes out... but that's how you get it out. And once it's gone, THEN the healing will be easier. You'll find that, once you've burst that cyst, and its cleaned out,... it will be easier to be kind to yourself, and the pain will begin to reduce. When a cyst causes pain, treating the pain is temporary - if it works at all. The cyst has to be burst and cleaned out - THEN the pain killers can work because then your body's resources are put into the healing instead of the effort of keeping all the poison in.

Writing that letter - and doing it properly - is the way to burst that cyst.

I know your said earlier that it doesn't work for you because you feel you need to confront your parents in person for it to help, and that's not possible. But the fact that you feel more angry when you start to write Means it IS working. But what you're doing is squeezing the cyst a tiny bit, and then stopping when you see some of the stuff come out... so then it just builds up again.

Yes, I am still listening to Paths, and I have had the trauma module since you suggested it. I actually even had the thought, maybe Paths is causing come cog dis, and is making my pains and thoughts worse, and making me have suicidal thoughts!!??!! I can't tell, because I have had panic attacks before, but the thought did cross my mind. I have no proof of that though.

This is not Cog Dis. This is the Poison from a life-time of brain-washing. It is a cyst that is ready to burst it is so full of poison, and the longer you wait to burst it, the more the poison grows. And the more the poison grows, the greater the pressure - resulting in an escalation of the symptoms - the pain, the stress and everything else you're experiencing.

Suicidal thoughts are common, natural and understandable in a person who is living with such extreme pain, stress and trauma.

I've had very personal experience with suicide and suicidal thoughts (not only from my myself - a LOT!! but from my sister and a few friends) - both for constant extreme physical pain and for constant extreme emotional and mental pain. The best way to handle suicidal thoughts, we've found, is to tell yourself you'll do it, but you'll do it tomorrow... or later... or after such-and-such - whatever works for you at the time. Arguing against it doesn't always work, and so, as a last resort, agreeing to do it, but to delay it, we've found helps. I must point out, I'm not a professional therapist, so I'm not giving this advice in a professional way - and it's ALWAYS best to speak to your GP if you're having suicidal thoughts. I'm only giving this suggestion from personal experience, and it's a temporary, emergency measure.

Sit down with a refreshment and just start writing to your parents. Start by telling them what you've told us here - what the pain is like, about your cat, about the fact that you have no friends... etc.... and you will find you will automatically get angry beyond anything you've ever felt before. You'll cry, you'll rant, you'll blame, swear, hate, insult.... and realise that All of that is the poison that is there inside you RIGHT NOW - CAUSING your pain. As it comes out as you write, it will relieve the pressure. But you MUST complete the letter in full. You need to get it ALL out, otherwise, it will just build up again.

It's time to burst that emotional cyst and let all of the poison come out. It will release the pressure, and clean out the wound. Then you can start to heal. There's no point in only treating the pain for a cyst, and there's no point in putting a band-aid on it. You need to burst it to get rid of it.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any more queries on the letter-writing.

Sending you lots of Love

Love and Light and Magic xxx

[Doug]

NOW is the Time to Write That Letter!!!!!! I know you find it difficult and you don't believe it will work, but if nothing else is working, it's worth doing as a last resort.

EVERYTHING you are suffering is rooted in the damage from your childhood, caused by your parents. EVERY SINGLE Symptom - the pain, your cat's illness, - the "various stresses" you mention that you feel are contributing to the pain etc - every one Directly ROOTED in your childhood. Every one DIRECTLY ROOTED in what you Learned from your parents, from the things they told you, and the way you were treated and spoken to!

But you MUST complete the letter in full. You need to get it ALL out, otherwise, it will just build up again.

It's time to burst that emotional cyst and let all of the poison come out. It will release the pressure, and clean out the wound. Then you can start to heal. There's no point in only treating the pain for a cyst, and there's no point in putting a band-aid on it. You need to burst it to get rid of it.

Val!!!!
I don't want to turn this into "Good Cop, Bad Cop" with Odille and I confronting the suspect but... I suspected that your parents were involved, I just wanted to be sure. Okay, "Where were you on the 15th of October??" But seriously what's happened in your life is: (and I've said this before, but it's so true) IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, BUT IT'S YOUR RESPONSIBILITY!!!! How you work out your situation with what's happened, is up to you -- get involved differently! Odille's letter idea is perfect. It's the same as writing goals down to crystallize them, it's awesome -- it brings things to the forefront. It'll do the same for you for your letter to your parents.
(more bad cop stuff) I see you have a problem with forgiveness and in this life is sounds like you needed to really learn about it. There is a company called Innertalk that offers their best selling cd for free How cool is that?? These are patented subliminal cd's. I've used them and it helped me with a disastrous, nasty breakup once. She was so mean that I became that way as well and realized I was being a mirror to her - good thing it worked -- I'm not a mean person. They've been in biz for over 20 yrs now out of WA. state.

But let's get down to brass tacks -- As Odille said you can medicate the cyst -- heck, even sugarcoat it if you want and you'll still have your problem. <- it's your learning experience. I know you wanna give up and throw in the towel -- I've thought those thoughts before too. Hang in there, you'll be so ecstatic, that your cute, sweet self will be overflowing, the Universe will have to step back to make room for ya!!

Now for some cosmic stuff...
I recommended the Seth books to you which in essence state: that we create our reality through our thoughts, beliefs and perceptions. The cool thing is we CAN change our beliefs and our reality will follow. Here's more... We do reincarnate with others in small groups in a sense -- parents friends associates go into other lives with us and we do switch roles, etc. I had a "past" life regression done and learned that I drowned working on a big ship with my "father" he was just a workmate, but I knew it was my dad. It explained why I was for some reason uncomfortable swimming around my dads sailboat as a teenager (and believe me, I am a good swimmer) The more love and forgiveness you can throw to your folks will help them (the letter as well). Yes, your parents have their own problems. if you're not ready for the love thing, that's fine...
We tend to want approval from out parents and as an adult, I'm guessing you're past that. Now Val, I'm not saying you've gotta be best buddies with 'em and sing Christmas carols together, okay?? Write the letter!!!
Our thoughts are just as real as words. Seth sez that we are like radio stations and we transmit infinitesimally (we can go from Rock to Smooth Jazz if we want) Your thoughts and letter writing will affect. You initiating change is up to you -- it's your radio station! Also when we choose a life we grab a blueprint as well. NOW, I'm not saying everything is preplanned, but there are some guidelines and with our creative ability (hmm... that means we create, eh?!) We ARE part of the formation process in our lives!
The Living on Love book is amazing -- read it. I'm listening to Heart right now while writing and one of the most beautiful songs is Dog and Butterfly listen to it, it's a treat...
There are two other books after reading Living on Love if you dare start that one and I'm on the third book now, good stuff.

Yes, Val you can search the galaxies for relief -- instead, look within and face up to yourself for the answers, read a little, write a letter, have some ocean waves playing on auto repeat mode, while you fall asleep w/the cd that's free. (they are relaxing and work better while you sleep, pretty good, huh?).
Dr. Eldon Taylor who started Innertalk has read the Seth books, I called in once asking if he had and it was cool to find that out.

I wish you the best,
Love ya,

Doug

[Sunshine]

Hi Doug

I had a look at the website and the cd you mention for Val. I've been working on forgiveness for quite a while. I've managed to forgive some of the lesser players in my life but there are a few "biggies" that I'm really struggling with. Ones that one minute I think I've forgiven them then the next realise I haven't. And two people who I haven't been able to forgive. I can do it with my head but no matter how hard I try there's more to do! Am just wondering what the difference is between that cd and say the Paths hopononono (probably not spellt at all right!)?

I looked at the youtube thing - butterflies and dogs are two of my very favourite things ever so couldn't resist. Loved the pictures! Thanks