Chinese Energetic Medicine by Grace

[Adrienne]

KimJ

My heartfelt thanks to you, Adrienne. I appreciate your kind words and your openness to share what you've learned. Feeling the feelings to let go has resonated with me as I think I'm doing the opposite... Ignoring because "what we think we create" so don't you dare think anything not good! Yet it all makes sense as it's still there so it's still doing the creating even if I'm pretending it's not there... I think I'm getting it..... baby steps... to where? I know, no where but now here.

Hi KimJ,
well... first i want to thank you for sharing cuz it is a reflection of me... and your courage inspires me.

And with what you shared here, well i also thought that to feel my feelings, well i would be in a negative space then and would be therefor creating negative things...
and i really struggled with that... but on faith i just kept doing the feeling work, I was encouraged by Grace and others on this forum and some of the people where i live to feel the feelings... then i read the importance of them in busting loose and conversation with god... although it all seemed to touch on it... yet it seemed that i felt like something was missing... there would be all this talk about this, that and the other and how to change your thinking... but it seemed to leave out the how... and it was in my own insanity (felt that way) that i had to feel it... So in feeling i am letting go... all though to me I wasn't seeing or reading or hearing about the rich emotional experience... and for me i thought it was so messy and i didn't want to become/be messy and stuff... i guess perhaps these have been my own judgements...

So probably my perspective and the judgement i had/have about feeling feelings... I was looking to get from this point to that point... but wanted to skip the inbetween...
You are awesome... look forward to reading more of your posts.. Adrienne

[Adrienne]

Marnyka

I haven't been on here as much as I was but I always come back at the right time to see certain posts. This latest thread had put some things into perspective for me. The whole, releasing as much as I can so I can hurry up and be somewhere else.....Where am I going????? I haven't sat still and listened enough lately to hear the messages.


Currently, I've got a situation that continues to pop up in my life...It is related to bosses. This last go round was when I realized it is happening for a reason and I should pay more attention to get my knowledge from it.
The relationship between me and boss starts out great and then it turns very sour. This time it turned when my son Chase was constantly getting sick back in May. My focus shifted to Chase and my boss was not too happy. He told me to find a different way to take care of my family...blah blah blah. I felt like quitting and probably would have if I wasn't the bread winner. Things get a little better because my boss takes another job within the company but he still meddles in my business. I have an new boss and he is trying to get his last 'stab' in.

I have tried and tried to let this all go, but HE IS DRIVING ME CRAZY and I can't figure it out. Even knowing it is my creation, I don't know the lesson or the reason. All I keep getting is 'Leave your job' 'This is no longer your journey' from myself. Easier said than done, so in the mean time as I prepare to make this into a reality, can I get some help with letting go with being annoyed by what is occuring at work? I would really like to hear you guy's insight on this one.

Hi Marnyka,
well i at one point was having some issues with my bosses too... (i had posted earlier about it) perhaps a little different cuz i felt intimidated by them (male bosses) and yet had my son to take care of and was really frustrated and uncomfortable in dealing with that.... however as a parent I had to, so i was forced to deal with the feelings of what was creating this feeling of discomfort... so low and behold i did what i knew i had to do.. (take care of my family) and it turned out to be fears of not being approved of or supported or liked... however, i was also not in any type of relationships with my bosses othere than them being my boss and interacting with them only for the role they played at work....
I don't feel i can really give any insight on this as it sounds some what different, yet also somewhat the same...
I found that it was a perfect opportunity to face the feelings around men and feel them and let them go... cuz my job isn't my life... and i don't have to jump through hoops to make these people in authority happy (on a personal level) i do my job and i go home. I am also good at my job.
one thing i think of is when he is driving you crazy... send him a silent blessing from the heart... and know that he is there... or that they are all there to asist you in your growth and expantion to knowing who you truely are... one thing i have noticed is that if i continue to not deal with the feeling surrounding something i will keep creating it to happen again and again.... it is all in the feelings...
have a great day...
Love and light Adrienne

[KimJ]

Just amazing

Here's a metaphor: in the past, my efforts to consciously author positive feelings and thoughts was like trying to shout across a crowded place trying to get someone on the other side to hear me. The "background noise" that was winning out was all the years of conscious and unconscious negative beliefs and memories amplifying more of the same negativity into the universe.

Wow, it's amazing how this all works. I'm reading Blake's post, so amazed by him at his courage and strength and willingness, and so I decide to follow belle's links and then see the above quote. It is exactly how I feel.... it's always such a wonderful feeling when you can say, yes, that's exactly it after not quite putting your finger on it for so long. Nothing overly dramatic just a connection... I just find it all so amazing how we all work together, without ever realizing it, to give each other what we need just by being who we are and being honest.

Thanks to everyone who is contributing here, whether they know it or not.

Kim

[belle99]

Blake,

My heart goes out to you.

Grace does very powerful work here. I've been the recipient of some of it!

In the meantime, you might want to check out this thread http://www.energeticforum.com/paths/...ule-ideas.html

It is all about the ways that traumatic past events can make it challenging to "bust loose" and create happy & joyful illusions in the hologram of life, use LOA to one's advantage, however you want to call it....

I have made great strides from using my platinum module along the lines of the information in that thread. If you don't feel like going through all of it, you might want to read just these particular posts:
http://www.energeticforum.com/paths/...html#post13495
http://www.energeticforum.com/paths/...html#post13929
http://www.energeticforum.com/paths/...html#post14486

And I know it is easier said than done, but please forgive yourself for those needy feelings. It isn't really "you" or it wouldn't frustrate you so much. The joyful you is there and always has been there. I know you will find YOU!

Hang in there!

[Blake]

the non-abreviated un-me

Hello again.

Id like to ask for some help clearing or correcting what I think might be a core block to moving on and up for me. (?)

I know I am far from the only one with a painful past and I have heard much more harrowing stories than mine. I can appreciate i am lucky in many ways but I have a hard time staying there and this stuff I feel is still doing a number on me subconciously.The Busting Loose book seems to have a radical shift in perspective that completely deletes the idea of victumhood. I need help in getting there and holding its "teachings".

I grew up in a alcoholic family with a g-pa and extended family members who molested their children and grandchildren. I got memories of the abuse when I was in my early twenties and wasnt sure if it was for real. But my life started crumbling after. From what I remember it only happened to me on holidays and family celibrations when wed visit the grand folks. It would happen at night often after ruckus drunken family parties. After some healing I made the mistake (?) and had a family meeting to confront my grandfather and see if it was for real. As one might suspect it didnt go well but one person was for the time not in the family denial. When it was over I had corroberating stories from an Aunt who never forgot her abuse. I learned more than I wanted to know and with more time watching my family from afar I really dont think any one < Mother, aunts, uncles and all their kids escaped the direct hand of g-pas abuse...let alone the fall out (addictions ect.)

I really shut down after that. I think because, with it validated and I couldnt deny my anger any more... And I didnt do anything like angry. I was such the nice little mammas boy, people pleaser, peace maker. So total shut down... and the real beginings of coping (stuffing ) with food and solo sex and depression kicked in big time. Homelessnes (shelters) were on again and off again before and after this because I was unable to maintain a job. I let my fears and feelings take over then.... and I really dont think I have totally reclamed myself yet.

My mother also died when I was sixteen. She and I were really close...perhaps unhealthy close...and that grief and her unresolved parental curses are still swimming in my subconcious and parts of my life.

I have to say, I am zillions of times better now though. I dont think its enough anymore but I have been living so much more in the here and now all ...Its so rare that I unpack this story anymore. I am a bit wary of doing it now but I want to begin the REAL clean up and learn how to "Bust Loose" from it. I have been working steady -and well- with the same job for over three years now which is a total success for me.Perhaps not my life carrer but a good fit for now. I feel like I have been trying not to bring all my past into this new growth. But I guess Im seeing its all wrapped up in my "now" wether I pay attention to it or not... Until I choose to do the work to delete it from my reality. I have a bit of extra resources to start some real inner work now and I'm planning for The Matrix workshop in Seattle in March.

Thank you for listening to all that...Here are my questions/requests.

Can you help me figure out (and release) my fears of moving on and being happy. Letting myself love and be loved and grow into my strengths and Joy? I some how think Ive concluded being "happy" is joining my drunken,partying denial ridden family (not like I'm not there with them like this in my own "addictions" and pain) But I think theres a survivors guilt or a feeling of betrayal to all still suffering (including myself) if I decide to move on. Also I think there might be some anger at mom dying so Im holding myself hostage to try and get her back...? Rationally I know I am no use to anyone while wallowing in my pain but the pain is "safe". Maybe I also think if I live the pain well enough and deep enough The abusers will see the effects of their ways and "come around"...thats a silly dream. I guess I am still waiting to be rescued? ironically I isolate and hardy ever talk to family. I am very much the hermit. So whos going to even know where to find me if they thought it their duty to save me? I'm smart enough now to know that its ultimately going to be me ... and (as) God...who dose the saving. That iiizzz really hard to let sink in and act upon when Ive been steeped in victimhood for soo long.

One other question is... do you think that addiction-even if I'm just using food (sugar!) and sex- could be short circut-ing my attemps to break free or even let in the PATHS programing? The mental part of addiction feels like an inner skipping record or closed loop that unless broken cant let in new info or ways of thinking or chart other courses into new territory. In my experience its felt like it creates its own learning disability. I havent heard addiction addressed much in esm/PATHS. I may have missed it. I'm not a good (very consistent reader). It seems the mental aspect of long term numbing out could be a big handicap to really getting and applying all this LOA, mind over matter, busting loose stuff. I know, "argue for your limitations and they are yours".

You know how Busting Loose talks about those strategically placed eggs that can be the key supports of my illusions main frame inner structure...i think how I use food or solo sex (sounds less whimpy to me than "masterbating"... clearly an egg in that) to medicate life could be some core egg action. Ive been using food and sex really as a replacement for... oh say....everything... relationships, honest communication(i.e.intimacy), asking for help, self care, a true God connection..LOVE!

There is a very structured 12 step food program called FA (food addicts in recovery anonomys). Ive dabbled in it but have been out most of this year. I have been bucking the authority-ness of it. I also feel the 12 steps are a phase one deal for most people...not the whole truth ( and soo much identifying with the problem, but maybe those are the ones not fallowing well the suggestions?...like me). I also think it has the potential, if applied correctly and with awareness to be a phase two process. ??? FA is all encompassing and pretty strict. They have the view that flour and sugar can be for them as destuctive and deadly as alchohol is to an alcoholic.

I know the structure, and support, and accountability/integrity building, and ego busting (from the surrender to fallowing a sponsors "suggestions" -rather than my phase one brain- provided my sponsor is in phase two) are all part of what I think I need to move forward on my spiritual path. I just dont know if the 12 step FA package is the best place for me to learn these things...could you test it for me...see if its the right fit. When i did it for a while I really felt as if i'd joined a monestary but got to keep my day job and friends! It felt oddly very spiritual. If it is a stong fit maybe I'd have better luck doing it again with needed corrections to my conciouseness?

Any module suggestions would be greatly appreciated as well. i have recently acquired two more packages to create a luxurious! abundant! 12 modules in total!!! That was a leap of faith right there.

I am deeply greatful Grace that you offer to do all this for so many... I know you see the you in all of us and it brings you joy. I havent read all the pages here yet...only 5 or six so far so maybe you've addresed this somewhere here already, but from what I understand an energy exchange helps (is important?) in me recieving the most benifit of any kind of "healing" work. Is that old paradigm thinking? I feel its still true for me. I would like to offer you something for your help. Money (my appreciation) is my first thought...?

Well theres a mouth full. Hopfully this will help others also. I still think its sooo wierd you all (and everything) are me...in my conciousness..my own creation. I have only gotten to the process description in BL (which i have to say was a bit of a downer...I was soo pumped up and on board until it says my liberation is in my pain...yah move into my fears and feel the pain, embrace the discomfort for in it is my power...that must be why I am still feeling so stuck. Most of my choices are about minimizing and neutralizing all the feelings I dont like or make me uncomfortable.... It did make me think of my numbing habbits (addictions) and how not in my feelings they tend to keep me. What a trap that must be... to stay in phase one. Well there we go I have my answer. I need to keep reading though. I tried the process once on some shame and didnt feel anything-as he said would happen in the begining ...right now I'm feeling the illusion of embarrasment for "taking up so much space" writing soo much. I could try it on this.

Oh well, I'm sure I'll get less needy the more I bust my eggs. I will this time hit subit reply and let this go. Trust and move forward...go get dinner.

thanks for your love. Blake

[belle99]

Grace,

Your corrections and module suggestions, as well as the powerful affirmations, are all working a lot of goodness in my life.

Thank you!!!!! You said I was 94% of the way there. I feel like I am now 99% of the way there.

May you be blessed for this!
Belle

[KimJ]

Marnyka and Blake

Marnyka,
Just wanted to thank you for jumping in and let you know I can relate to how you're feeling. Obviously I can't give you any insight (LOL) but just wanted to thank you for posting and hope you find some insight among all the wonderful answers I've been getting in my ramblings and answers I've been given.

Blake,
Thanks so much for letting me know my rambling is helping someone else out there, even to know we're all going through it at some level. I feel so anonymous in posting that I'm not sure how much courage it took, but in a way it did so here's a pat on the back for me and you too! LOL Good luck on your journey and thank you for openness and willingness to share as well.

Kim

[KimJ]

Beautiful post, Adrienne

My heartfelt thanks to you, Adrienne. I appreciate your kind words and your openness to share what you've learned. Feeling the feelings to let go has resonated with me as I think I'm doing the opposite... Ignoring because "what we think we create" so don't you dare think anything not good! Yet it all makes sense as it's still there so it's still doing the creating even if I'm pretending it's not there... I think I'm getting it..... baby steps... to where? I know, no where but now here.

[Adrienne]

KimJ

Adrienne, thank you for your insight as well. I loved your acronym of HOW too... very interesting to ponder.... I have to "give up", just still trying to figure out what that actually means. I'd love to "give up" my current job. LOL It's good to be reminded though that you all have been through similar struggles - and are coming through them.

Okay, enough rambling about me again. Thanks again for reading! I hope I'm not taking over this thread too much lately! I do appreciate your responses though!!!

Hi KimJ.. what i meant about feeling like giving up... well i felt it.... it wasn't something i was trying to do... and it came from the sense of trying too hard... and feeling like I didn't know what else to do... i was overwhelmed and tierd and that is where that came from... and it was a deffinit inside thing not an outside thing.. giving up control and trying to run the show... (from ego, not from spirit...make sense) and that is where the HOW came in, and i started asking open ended question "what do i do , and how do i do it" to the source/god/universe... what ever works for you....
there is an interesting thing i have heard from some people and also read somewhere... that chasing the feeling or trying to get somewhere.. well we probably won't ever get there... each and every spiritual experience is unique... so be grateful for the one 'you' had and stop looking... when we stop looking or stop seeking... it will just happens...
I think that many of us have been programed/conditoned to think we always have to DOing something, yet we are human BEings... so in BEing there is nothing truely required of us... it is the outside that has influenced us... to do this or do that then we will be this or be that...

Now we are moving back to who we truely are which is BEing... infinit potencial, god, infite beings...
I like to call these times of frustration and challenging experiences where one is not satisfied...Riding the wave... wait it out... cuz one thing that is a gaurantee is change... it will change... be patient KimJ... it will change... it ALWAYS DOES...
although it can be very uncomfortable... do you use the Process from busting loose... if not are you willing?
Honesty... to self, to others, white lies are not honest either... they are still fear based... it is being nice, or taking the easy way out...
Openmindedness... well open to trying something different, taking suggestion, other possibilities... that maybe something more is happening.. and that the ideas in our head could simply be ego talking... check out the thread openminded skeptic... not sure how to put a link in for it... we can think we are openminded.. however...
Willingness.... willing to ... whatever... are you willing to let go? we may want.. and are always left wanting... but are we willing to do what is necessary to achieve what we desire deep down within... and it is within that the answers are...
Paths helps bring forth the things that lay dormant in the subconscious and when they pop up into the consciouse mind, we will have alot of feelings... if we feel those feelings then we let go , see the truth of what is come up....
we don't know till we know... when it is faced then it is freed. the boogeyman exposed for what it really is...
when released then it is gone... of course there are layers..
i have had to feel alot of stuff....ALOT OF STUFF... some of the hardest work you'll ever do, but the most rewarding...
We can also use many outside distractions to avoid feeling... so feelings can either come up or out or control us... I think that would be a great place to start... are you willing...
any how i think i am now ramblimg... and many people gain from you posting KimJ... so don't stop... you are allowd to take up space.. there is an unlimited amount of space for us all...
hope this is helpful... you are already there... this is a turning point for you.... Goddess Adriana

[Blake]

hello

This is silly, I wrote an epic post a bit ago and then erased it all cuz I thought I was going overboard, Ive been Identifying with alot on this thread.

I do want to say I am really touched an amazed at the love and dedication and support in this thread. Grace, your kindness, strength, wisdom and pure giving heart has made my eyes get all misty while reading your responses. I think its because I am seeing in you a reflection of who I wish myself to be someday. I am 1/2 way through the busting loose book and in a preschool sort of way can see you all as me and my creation. And what a beautiful creation. Mindboggeling as it is.

I want to thank Sally Jane, Jan, and Kim for your honesty and willlingnes to be that open and vulnerable here in asking for help. I have only been reading this thread a few days but been on PATHS for a year now too. I have been very wary of asking for help. Your courage I think is rubbing off on me-as i am posting...So I guess really your courage is my courage.

I have in my past climbed out of homelessness and had my tour of duty in and out of shelters and i guess I am still in the rebuilding process- that just hit me. Being kinder and gentler to myself is a big one. I also have lived with immense shame around sex and sexuality. I heard my state once described as sexual annorexia- as I have not let myself have a deep and true love relationship yet in my life ...and very little sex as it and the intimacy scares me on some unconcious level. I keep thinking I want to experience love and the joy of sharing my life with another. And after a year of PATHS I worry that I am in need of the remedial learning PATHS programs. For my dedication in watching and trust I do think I should have sssoooo much more to show for it. But all you describe reading/studying ect Kim, SJ and Jan I realize I am in small pototoe land as far as what I have invested. I honor and respect your dedication to you self and your growth and the service you offer to others!

I need to get going but I have some questions and requests for corrections/transformations from Grace and any here. For starters I just wanted to say mee too please for all the collective corrections on soo many issues that I feel and experience also.

will hopefully get back here soon. Thanks for all your love in here. Its better than chocolate.

Blake

[KimJ]

Me again! LOL

Just wanted to let you know, Sallyjane, that yes, I've read Busing Loose, Matrix Energetics, Power of Now, lots of Wayne Dyer, Abe Hicks, the list goes on and on. Great books and thanks for the suggestion. Right now I'm reading Inspiration by Wayne Dyer. I LOVE reading those books but have a heck of a time putting what they say into practice. Maybe it's that nasty ego refusing to let go. Thank you though as I do hear what you're saying - perhaps I just need to hear it multiple times.

Interestingly enough, I distinctly remember as a kid regularly having this feeling like I (we) were on a stage for our whole lives, being watched from afar. I also was convinced I could make anything happen with my thoughts up until I was about 7. I just couldn't figure out for the life of me why it wasn't working and then I just gave up on it. LOL So you can see, this has been part of my way of looking at the world for a long time. Maybe that's part of the frustration.

Anyway, I'm on the Self Esteem module, the forgiveness one (haven't a clue how it's spelled!), the gratitude one, and Increased Synchronicity - all ones suggested by Paths. I've been on them all before except the gratitude one, but not in this combination so we'll see what happens this time around. I probably was on wrong ones for a while though as I was focusing for a bit on my new business rather than self-development.

Adrienne, thank you for your insight as well. I loved your acronym of HOW too... very interesting to ponder.... I have to "give up", just still trying to figure out what that actually means. I'd love to "give up" my current job. LOL It's good to be reminded though that you all have been through similar struggles - and are coming through them.

Okay, enough rambling about me again. Thanks again for reading! I hope I'm not taking over this thread too much lately! I do appreciate your responses though!!!

Kim

[marnyka]

Great posts, can I get a little help???

I haven't been on here as much as I was but I always come back at the right time to see certain posts. This latest thread had put some things into perspective for me. The whole, releasing as much as I can so I can hurry up and be somewhere else.....Where am I going????? I haven't sat still and listened enough lately to hear the messages.


Currently, I've got a situation that continues to pop up in my life...It is related to bosses. This last go round was when I realized it is happening for a reason and I should pay more attention to get my knowledge from it.
The relationship between me and boss starts out great and then it turns very sour. This time it turned when my son Chase was constantly getting sick back in May. My focus shifted to Chase and my boss was not too happy. He told me to find a different way to take care of my family...blah blah blah. I felt like quitting and probably would have if I wasn't the bread winner. Things get a little better because my boss takes another job within the company but he still meddles in my business. I have an new boss and he is trying to get his last 'stab' in.

I have tried and tried to let this all go, but HE IS DRIVING ME CRAZY and I can't figure it out. Even knowing it is my creation, I don't know the lesson or the reason. All I keep getting is 'Leave your job' 'This is no longer your journey' from myself. Easier said than done, so in the mean time as I prepare to make this into a reality, can I get some help with letting go with being annoyed by what is occuring at work? I would really like to hear you guy's insight on this one.

[zartgirl]

Kim

Kim, It makes more sense to all of us than you think! The posts you read here about all the amazing things that are happening for us, is after a time of struggle for each of us! We all battled all of the same things for some amount of time... some more time than others! The frustration is no different than any of the frustration that all of us feel at times!

One thing that really helped me, and may be hard to hear for you... Is that I created it all, and I am still creating it all in my life! Not me in the physical... I did not wake up one day and think Wow it would be a good idea to marry an abusive man, and do all these drestructive things in my life... No instead, on a spiritual level I created certain things to bring myself to a point where could learn or remember who I am! I am Devine! I am Powerful, I am a Creator... So are you! You just have not remembered who your real self is! But you are close to that point. For me, someone recomended the book Busting Loose from the Money Game and the Power of Now... They really helped me move away from the battle to acceptance of who I really am. I have to warn you though these kind of books challenge your core beliefs! For me that was a good thing!

Something else has been popping into my intuition with regards to you, and that is you have been on all the wrong Paths Modules. Grace can test for strength as to which modules you should be on right now at this time! For me I had to for go the weight modules and skin modules and work on my insides, but when I get just the right module, for instance when I got on Ho Oponopono (forgiveness mostly of myself, but also my X and others) Huge steps of growth took place. After a little more than a month, I tested as having gotten from that module what I needed, but some other modules were popping up for me as neccessary. For me I have a strong intuition (always had it, but now just getting back in touch with it), so often now when I go to my Paths site and start reading the modules discription I will get a strong feeling about one or two of them... Then I usually have Grace test those for me. You may be needing to work on other issues first and when the time is right you can go back and the weight modules will work for you.

Blessings Sallyjane zartgirl

[Adrienne]

KimJ

Adrienne, I can't really say what's Paths and what's not as far as me making personal changes. I've been into "self-discovery" for years and have always been on this path, so to speak, so nothing has changed in that regard. Lots of new things are going on in my life, but again that process started before Paths as well. I've been on many self development modules (esteem, SL series, forgiveness, etc.), for long periods of time, as well as physical ones and I really can't say there's anything specifically different - the only thing might be my somewhat obesession with all this, but like I said, it's always been driving me to discover.... Physically I've just gained about 15 pounds in the last year and got more wrinkles, and yet I was on the Shed Pounds, Ultimate Body, and Defy Gravity for a while. LOL

Hi KimJ..
I really get that Frustration of lacking the ability to let go... and many times just felt SO tired of everythng i was doing....Including paths... and then it kept popping up that i was trying to hard... although not consciously till it became conscious... and a lady i had met was the one who pointed this out... Ouch that hurt my ego
and in these moments to, i would say to myself "i give up" cuz i felt there was nothing else i could do... although it turns out i don't have to do anything.... but had/have to get that inside..
in those moments i would feel the feelings that came with the fear of letting go... and therefor some surrender would happen... although not all at once, but enought to let me know i was on the right path...
I had identified so much with what myhead/ego told me (survival) that to let go of what i felt was the only thing that had always been there for me has been a gruling process. and is still happening... although i feel as though I have become much more willing.... i had also found it very difficult to let go of everything that i REALLY BELEIVED to be real... fear once again...
in a nut shell... I have been working on letting go for years.
I wanted to let go so badly too... (wanted...hehe) cuz then i thought i would be there finally... be where? I am already there... I always have been, we all have...

just some thoughts to your post... cuz i feel your frustration...
Do you go into the silence and consciously stop moving and doing and simply feeling? just wondering... it is amazing.. You are doing awesome... keep posting. Honesty, Openmindedness and Willingness... this acronym spells H.O.W.

ok, that is all i have to say... hope you find your answers, they are all within...
Adrienne

[KimJ]

Thank you very much. It means a lot to me.

Thank you Grace, Adrienne, Sallyjane, and allenm for your kind and thought-provoking words. I "understand" all that you say and feel that's what I've been working on all this time - the letting go and let God if you will. I'm frustrated because I don't seem to understand "how" to do that. It's like on one level, the conscious one, I'm doing that but on another level there's much more going on. I feel like I'm pretending to do it but not really...

Adrienne, I can't really say what's Paths and what's not as far as me making personal changes. I've been into "self-discovery" for years and have always been on this path, so to speak, so nothing has changed in that regard. Lots of new things are going on in my life, but again that process started before Paths as well. I've been on many self development modules (esteem, SL series, forgiveness, etc.), for long periods of time, as well as physical ones and I really can't say there's anything specifically different - the only thing might be my somewhat obesession with all this, but like I said, it's always been driving me to discover.... Physically I've just gained about 15 pounds in the last year and got more wrinkles, and yet I was on the Shed Pounds, Ultimate Body, and Defy Gravity for a while. LOL

And yes, I know exactly what you mean when you say you see a lot of "want" in my post, Sallyjane, which of course means feelings of lack perpetuating itself and all that. I "know" that feel like I work hard to view things differently but it appears I'm still feeling it. It's like I'm fighting these feelings as I know they're not helpful, and then it's like I'm pretending. I'm thinking I'm being grateful, thinking I'm feeling that way, but I must not be when it really comes down to it. So then I get frustrated and the cycle continues. LOL So, all it comes down to how really to let go and let God besides just giving lip service to it...? Make sense?

Thank you again for your thoughts.
Kim