Cognitive Dissonance

[Donna]

Hi Rin,

Since this thread was graciously started by Kevin with a reference to a letter that I wrote, I just wanted to add a little.

When you are feeling yucky, and this doesn't mean tired or sluggish due to not enough spirulina, but rather anxious, overwhelmed, irritable or anything like that---try to detach from it. It's like you're aware of these feelings and that they are happening, but they aren't you. They're just memories from your past that you've attached a negative label and emotional charge to, that you don't even remember.

For instance, if you were yelled at as a child, you would have felt hurt and not safe and built up some kind of defense to protect yourself. Then anytime later in life when you perceive someone striking out at you in any way, your subconcious would utilize the defense that worked for you way back when. The problem, of course, is that it doesn't really work. No matter what, you still feel pain even utilizing the defense. This is simplistic, but I hope you see the point. Well, we've got gobs of those defenses that we've built up over our lifetime. And every time we employ them, it further increases their power.

The next step is how to ride out any of these episodes. Try being aware of your body. Is it tense? Where? What can you do to relax it and make it feel better? Lots of good breathing? A hot bath? Stretching and/or some exercise? A massage? Meditation? Listening to some soothing music? A walk in nature?

Even a distraction, like a funny movie.

Ask yourself: Since I know that these feelings are not who I am, what can I do to feel better right now? Listen. If your mind doesn't tell you, your body will. You'll get the right answer.

Yes, be glad that these episodes are happening; welcome them. Think of it as a purge, a rainstorm before the sunshine and glorious rainbow.

With much love,
Donna

[Rin]

Thank you very much, Donna. I needed that! You described my condition very well, and I'm so glad and so relieved to hear that PATHS is obviously working for me.

Here is an excerpt from a recent blog entry, which explains my current state: "Recently I've been waking in the wee small hours with a bad case of the heebie-jeebies, lying there thinking about all the awful things that have gone wrong / will go wrong with my life. I don't know why it happens, but I don't like it! Perhaps it's a little bit of cognitive dissonance rearing its ugly head? I have feelings of unworthiness, and even a sense of hopelessness at times." These are most certainly based on my memories from my past, as you have pointed out. Thank you so much for your tips! I am now exactly 45 days - the halfway mark - in to my Self Confidence module. I expect to be feeling much better by 90 days. Then I'll look back and smile, won't I!

[Donna]

Hi again Rin!

You said:

"Recently I've been waking in the wee small hours with a bad case of the heebie-jeebies, lying there thinking about all the awful things that have gone wrong / will go wrong with my life. I don't know why it happens, but I don't like it! Perhaps it's a little bit of cognitive dissonance rearing its ugly head? I have feelings of unworthiness, and even a sense of hopelessness at times."

That's exactly what I'm talking about! Yes. Those are fear-based ego thoughts from defenses buried in your subconcious. You can always tell because there is guilt about the past and worry about the future. But don't believe them or give in to them! Stay right here in the present. That's why I said try to detach and just watch or observe them when they come. Like you're watching a movie. When you give them no emotional charge they will disappear! Eventually you'll be able to say, "Oh, there's a worrry thought. Oh, that's a guilt thought. Just passing through. Bye, bye." Slowly they'll stop coming all together. And if they sneak in again at a later date, you'll know just what to do. Voila.

I read this wonderful quote today. "Reverse the Golden Rule. Do unto yourself, what you'd like others to do to you." So keep being good to yourself in every way that you can. Treat yourself gently.

With much love,
Donna

[Rin]

Thank you Donna, I will take your advice. You'll stick around, won't you? I am very keen to learn more about your experiences with PATHS.

[Donna]

Oh, Rin, you've made me laugh!

Don't you know that I've been the queen of dissonance?

I just know that it's better because of how people relate to me. For instance, I have read forums for a couple of years and never would have thought to register and post. I was very "content" just to be a lurker. Within a couple of weeks I was signed up and posting. Not a lot like some folks, just when I thought it was relevant. I also have many more joyous moments and days. Even all by myself with myself.

And just today when I was going to pick up my dad, this cute older man and his even older uncle passed by me and said in the sweetest way, "Hi, beautiful. Thanks for making my day."

Even though I don't post much. I'm always checking in, so kick that concern over the goal post! Right?

With much love,
Donna

[Kevin]

Hi Donna and Rin!

What great information and encouragement!

Donna~what you say totally resonates with me.

You touched on a few of my favorite topics when looking at self improvement.

Fear

Thinking responsibly

Understanding the difference between feelings and reality

I have been formulating an article on Thinking Responsibly for a week or so now...I reckon it will come to fruition in the next few days.

Fear is a phantom monster...the monster in the closet that was never there. Its' only power is the lie that it has power.

When we feel fear the lights should start flashing, the sirens should go off. It is the surest sign to us that we are off-track and we need to do something about it NOW!!!

Fear will only bring bad into ones life. It is our enemy. It is to be squelched immediately upon recognition that it has reared its' ugly lying head!

There are many ways to do that. Thinking responsibly...taking responsibility for your thoughts (and thus the fruit of your thoughts which are feelings) is the key.

I will be posting more on this soon.

Thanks for your words of encouragement!

Have fun, I mean it, really have some fun!!!

[Rin]

And just today when I was going to pick up my dad, this cute older man and his even older uncle passed by me and said in the sweetest way, "Hi, beautiful. Thanks for making my day."

Now, that's the kind of success story I like to hear! I understand about your not posting much Donna, but please let me know if you have a blog or a private forum, as I would love to read all about your PATHS journey. I need all the inspiration I can get right now, when the path seems so rocky. (And let me assure you that I am not a person who expects instant results - like you, I'm committed to the long haul.)

Kevin, I am really looking forward to your new article! I always enjoy your writings, and feel so encouraged by them. I bet a lot of people do. Please keep on doing what you are doing!

[Pamela Vicik-Smith]

Hi Rin -

I tried to post last nite with the graphic I had mentioned, but was unsuccessful. I may need to just attach it. I will work on it tonite when I get home.

I did not want you to think I forgot about you.

[Rin]

Don't you worry about it for a minute, Pammie! Take your time - it just gives me more to look forward to!

[Donna]

Kevin,

Good for you! I'm glad that this subject has inspired you to write and I look forward to reading your insights. It can only be obvious that fear is the underlying destruction (illusion) and always has been; from the biblical fall of mankind to our present day situation. It is the cause of all suffering in whatever form it manifests. Defense (fear) is the first strike of war, whether in a home or between nations.

But how to loosen it's hold? For instance, out of the blue, a wave of anxiety rolls through and my stomach clenches. There isn't an outside stimulus for this, but for all practical purposes there could be. This anxiety precludes concious thought so it's obviously coming from you-know-where. It didn't used to because as soon as a negative feeling would emerge the concsious mind (fed by the subconcious) would attach a thought to it; again either past guilt or future worry or DANGER. Therefore, I hurt. So yes, it is both. It depends on where it is caught and how fully engaged and aware in the present moment. The progress for me has been to feel it and actually LOOK at it, or be very AWARE of it, with no judgment. I really breathe into it. Then it diminishes like a tide rolling out. Also, I've come to know that it's never "out there," it's always "in here." That's the repsonsibility you were referring to. If someone bothers me and I form a reaction, then that tells me I have the problem to solve.

The imperative is to deal or acknowledge the fear-based feelings/thoughts without suppression, i.e. refusal to acknowledge them, taking a pill, seeking out a temporary thrill, etc. Otherwise, they are just stuffed back down to the nether realm to surge forth with greater force another time.

That's why practical, digestible tools and techniques are paramount and are only effective while being completely present and aware in the present moment. Many enlightened souls have bequeathed their wisdom on this subject over the ages, and there are many now, but fresh new approaches would be welcome presently and could prove very effective in adding to the mix for alleviating fear's suffering and the damage it causes.

Again, Kevin, I really look forward to more from you.

Rin,

I've never journaled or blogged except once long ago in a crisis. I understand the therapeutic value to it but just haven't done it. Maybe that's my loss, I don't know.

I'll always be happy to respond to you and share, though. We're on this path together, all of us.

With much love,
Donna

[Pamela Vicik-Smith]

Valley of Despair - a Good Thing

Hi Rin -

This is the post I promised.

First, notice I have an attachment which contains a graph I drew. You can find the attachment at the bottom of this post. I tried to post the graph here so you could see it without having to open the attachment, but I could not figure out how to do that.

As you have noticed, some people have amazing and quick results with some of the PATHS modules. When they post their quick and amazing results, we are happy for them and think that we should get the same results just as quickly. And when we don't, we think something is wrong with us.

However, the fact of the matter is that there are more people who do not get "over-night" results than who do. Because we do not want to discourage others, we usually are rather quiet and don't post our experiences. The good news, is we are actually quite normal. I will give my personal experiences as an example and relate them to the attached graph.

The first PATHS module I started with was the "Take it Off - Shed Pounds Now" module. I started on January 21. This coresponds with point "A" on the graph.

I did not weigh myself from the time I started until the end of my first month. Imagine my extreme surprise and delight to have found I lost 10 pounds! On the graph, this is the area that is the apex of the slope between points "A" and "B".

Unfortunately, I have significantly more than 10 pounds of weight to lose. Although I was expecting to continue to lose at a rate of about 10 pounds a month, I suddenly stopped losing weight altogether. This is represented by point "B" on the graph.

As bad as this was, it got worse. I then started to gain back half of the weight I had lost. This is represented by point "C" on the graph and is called The Valley of Despair. I seriously thought something was wrong with me. Why was this not working for me, yet could work for everyone else? It didn't make sense.

Luckily, I did not quit, but kept plugging away because deep down inside I believed in the product. Even though I was not losing weight, I noticed other profound behavior changes. My portion control was much better than it ever had been. Desserts now tasted way too sweet for me. Even though I still craved them occasionally, I could only eat a couple of bites because they tasted as if someone had dumped a pound of sugar in them. I was choosing healthier foods in general and my wine consumption had gone way down. All of these things proved to me the module was working even if I was not losing weight.

Eventually, something broke through and I started to lose again. This is point "D" on the graph.

Currently I have lost 13 pounds and I am between points "D" and "E" on the graph. However, if you notice, the line between "D" and "E" is not a smooth straight line to the finish. There are ups and downs, though no downs are as low as The Valley of Despair.

All of this is the normal path that almost everyone experiences on their road to success. For me, it was just about 3 months before I broke through my locked pattern of behavior. I have also found this timeline to be true for me for most of the other modules I am on.

The reason The Valley of Despair is a good thing is because this is the lowest you will be. After you come out of the Valley, you will not return again, assuming you continue with your chosen modules.

The most wonderful thing about PATHS, is that this entire process happens relatively quickly. Because we have millions of instructions going into our subconscious, everything is accelerated. Before PATHS, I had been "dieting" for years and still had not reached the point of breaking my locked patterns of behavior.

It is also important to remember that even those people that the new module is being developed for (the ones who currently are receiving no benefits from the modules) will eventually have to go through this process. It is all part of the journey and makes the reward at the end that much sweeter

I hope I didn't ramble too long and was able to make sense.

By the way, I learned all of this through the PATHS certification course.

[Kevin]

Wow!

WOW!
Absolutely Fantastic!!!

[Rin]

Allow me to echo that huge, resounding WOW!!!! Thank you very much, Pammie. I knew you were worth the wait!

I think that this whole thread should be required reading for every newcomer to PATHS, including Pamela's wonderful graph and explanation. It makes everything suddenly so clear!

Oh yeah, and I think that everyone who starts PATHS should be strongly encouraged to stay the course for at least three whole months, rather than only one.

I'm still only at the halfway point myself, but feel far more encouraged after reading the previous posts! Thank you, everybody!

[Pamela Vicik-Smith]

Rin, you made my day

[Rin]

Rin,
.....I'll always be happy to respond to you and share, though. We're on this path together, all of us.

I am very, very happy to hear that, Donna!