Anger after finding out your partner cheated.

[BenTec]

Hello everyone, it did not happen to me.

But I have a doubt and would like to know what you think.

Why most men after finding out that their partner is cheating with someone, this man is getting all the trouble afterwards, a lot of those men probably do not even know that those woman are in a relationship.

Don't you think it is the one that cheated and is in a relation that should be punished, not the person the partner cheated with.

Want to know what you think.
Ben

[ImBill]

I would have to ask why it is necessary to get angry when you find out your partner is cheating. If your love is unconditional, there shouldn't be a problem. If your love is conditional, and cheating is one of the conditions, then there still isn't any reason to be angry. Sad, disappointed, yes, angry, no. No need for punishment for any of the parties involved. It's only our ego and greed that can create a problem with this scenario.

[BenTec]

I would have to ask why it is necessary to get angry when you find out your partner is cheating. If your love is unconditional, there shouldn't be a problem. If your love is conditional, and cheating is one of the conditions, then there still isn't any reason to be angry. Sad, disappointed, yes, angry, no. No need for punishment for any of the parties involved. It's only our ego and greed that can create a problem with this scenario.

That was pretty profound, I like the way you think.

I said angry because there are people out there that do really crazy stuff when they find out. Once, a town close to where i live, a guy killed his wife and his children. Plus, he burned his house down and committed suicide afterwards. That was quite a hard thing...

EDIT: If you are wondering why I made this post. I'm a young guy (24) and just curious about what people think and trying to learn something. Thanks

Thanks for sharing your view on this. Anyone else?
Ben

[sucahyo]

At the first sight, I will be mad to both. But after some cooling down time, I will reflect to my self to see if I still worth to be faithful for.

In reality, most people do not know what they have before they lost them. This applies to the cheated and the cheating one.

[rhozzi]

Under the emotion of anger can be the emotion of pain. The pain from a partner cheating is caused from a sense of betrayal and broken trust. In a commited relationship a person who has been cheated on also feels abandoned. It's a high idea to talk about unconditional love but when two people become one physically and emotionally and one person cheats, that bond is broken and there is terrible pain and it can be expressed as anger.

[ImBill]

I can't say that I've never experienced the pain of a broken relationship. I've let my heart be ripped apart a few times. However, I have come to realize that no relationship will endure. It is just like the rest of life. The only thing that is guaranteed is change. There is no way for us to guarantee ourselves happiness as long as we are depending on something outside our self to provide it. Whether it is a job, a relationship, a hobby, a sport, or an addiction, the healthiest way to approach any of them is with the certain knowledge that at some point, that source of happiness is going to go away.

It is extremely difficult and would take at least a few years of introspection for the average person to learn to love unconditionally. However, I think everyone is capable of and would benefit from coming to the realization that happiness is self generated. As a society, we need to come to the realization that we have a choice as to how we react to a given situation. We are largely products of our programming and we continuously program ourselves to react in a "normal" way when confronted with certain situations. One of the biggies is the cheating partner. In many societies, it is even considered justifiable to kill one or both of the participants, as long as the killing is done spontaneously. Some even consider it okay to kill with premeditation by law. How ego driven is that? How far away from love is that?

The best way to protect yourself and those that you love is to learn to love yourself. Then you have something you can live with no matter what happens externally to yourself. Perhaps I should say what you perceive as being external to yourself, because in actuality, there is nothing external to yourself. It's just an illusion due to our limited senses. So my advice is to love big but realize the relationship is only temporary and strive to get beyond feeling like you need someone or something to provide your happiness besides your self.

Oh, yeah, Sucahyo brings up a good point. When you do find something that brings you happiness, be grateful for what you have and enjoy it to the fullest while you can.

[rhozzi]

Good points for sure but most of us have not grown to the points you speak of, including myself. I've chosen not to play the mating game again as I'm not good at it and I find my life is full enough doing the things I enjoy doing.

[Adie123]

i beleive that if someone you love cheats on you or decides they dont want to be with you anymore, the best thing to do is just let them go. If they dont love you anymore, then they are not what you want or need. So look for someone/something that fits your criteria. No need in being angry and upset, just move on and dont bring yourself down. Noone is worth the hassle if they dont want anything to do with you, even if its family. Get on with your own life and move on.

Regards
Adie

[future pather]

I think (especially with a man who cheats on a woman) that continuing in a relationship with someone who has been caught cheating basically condones the cheating.

I think it is likely to occur again in that case.

[Nadda]

ImBill, I absolutly agree with your post. That is true wisdom.

I'm 21 and had a conversation with my mother a few weeks ago because she was concerned that i spent too much time working and not enough time with friends and that she was worried about my happiness. I told her not to worry, and i explained to her that no one should depend on another person for their happiness. Personally for me its the beauty of life and nature that keeps me happy. Like ImBill said, things will always change, people will come and go, so you must find something within yourself to keep you happy.

One thing i know for sure that will make any relationship breakup more painful is if you seclude yourselves. If you do have a deep bond with a partner i think the last thing you want to do, is spend your time with that one person alone. If that one person does kick you to the curb its much easier to move forward by hanging out with guys and other female friends instead of being alone.

[future pather]

But are you guys saying loving yourself:

1) makes it ok to stay with a cheating partner

OR

2) dictates that you have the confidence to walk away from such a situation

?

A very very long time ago I was in a relationship which became physically abusive.

At a point I realized my safety was more important than any feelings I had and any bond we had.

It was a no brainer at that point but still was still crushing emotionally, especially bc it was a first love situation and we really were best friends and like everything to each other.

I'm not sure I would change the past bc I learned so much from all that. One of the things was I never thought I would fall in love again but that one proved false.

[ImBill]

But are you guys saying loving yourself:

1) makes it ok to stay with a cheating partner

OR

2) dictates that you have the confidence to walk away from such a situation

?

A very very long time ago I was in a relationship which became physically abusive.

At a point I realized my safety was more important than any feelings I had and any bond we had.

It was a no brainer at that point but still was still crushing emotionally, especially bc it was a first love situation and we really were best friends and like everything to each other.

I'm not sure I would change the past bc I learned so much from all that. One of the things was I never thought I would fall in love again but that one proved false.

I don't think having a healthy relationship with yourself dictates anything. It does leave you open to being able to make decisions without emotional attachment or the murkiness/cloudiness that surrounds situations when you are highly emotionally charged. Some can't leave situations such as you describe because the pain of leaving is greater than the pain of the abuse. Also, the fear of the unknown/change becomes a factor. If you are a rock for yourself and have a strong sense of self-confidence, then making this type of decision becomes much easier. Even though the pain of a great relationship gone bad will still come a calling, it can be mitigated by the strength of the relationship with self.

I definitely think there is something to be gained with the experiences of the negative emotions, but if you continue to wallow in them, what are you gaining? I guess that's where a healthy relationship with yourself begins, figuring out how to protect and serve yourself like a good policeman. I've definitely seen a lot of bad decisions made by people in the grip of negative emotions. No matter the circumstances, unless it is a dire emergency with lives on the line, I think it is better to wait until one is calm and thinking clearly before making any decisions that will affect others.

To answer your question, I don't think it leads necessarily to either of your choices, just to a place where a choice can be made that fits you and that you can live with, with the least amount of damage to yourself. What I see happening quite often is that people react to situations the way that they see others reacting or the way that they feel they are obligated to react. That is unhealthy, IMO. It always cracks me up when I'm watching a movie and you have this couple that are hopelessly in love, but the instant that one of them does something unexpected, the war is on and all love is lost, whether the facts are all in or not. Quite often, the movies will show the offending partner going to some extraordinary means to resolve the issue. I don't think life should be like that. We should think before we react and give time to ascertain facts before taking action.

I also question what we are thinking about when we set ourselves up for intense grieving over something that we know without any doubt whatsoever is going to happen in the future. What it boils down to for me is how heavily I want to be invested in this huge illusion that we are all living in. The more I understand, the less attachment I have to that which I know will one day become dissatisfying or disappear forever.

[Nadda]

ImBill:
Great post again, I agree.

future pather:
I agree with you as well, theres no point in staying with a partner who cheated. If its allowed to happen once i would bet it would happen twice.

I dont think anything will stop the pain, anger or loneliness of a breakup, but by finding ways to sustain your own happiness it will certainly ease it and help you move forward faster. In my experience i've learned that time has healed all of my wounds. Also, i agree with you about the past and ImBill about the negitave emotions. Its been my heart break and my unfortunate parts of the past that has taught me much of what i live by now. I would never take them back because i've moved forward and have taken the positive lessons from the experiences.

I also question what we are thinking about when we set ourselves up for intense grieving over something that we know without any doubt whatsoever is going to happen in the future.

Hope.
Hope that we have found our soul mate.

[ImBill]

Hope.
Hope that we have found our soul mate.

But when you think about it, aren't we all soul mates?

[adamo21]

After a lot of thought, I have come to the conclusion that cheating isnt a big deal...we are animals deep down, and when you or your partner have an attraction to someone else, its just natural, do you really expect your gf or wife to not have sex? its a natural thing, just like, I dont expect to get into a relationship and not be attracted to another women...

The last girl I was with I told her i dont care if she sleeps with other people....and the gf before that i told her i wanted an open relationship but she still cheated and kept it secret...i dont know whats up with the female mind, but i have come to the conclusion that cheating is just a normal part of a relationship after a while.

I guess it really depends on the psychology of a person, anger equals jealousy, so find someone better so your not jealous anymore...